Where everybodies favorite UFOlogist answers some of your questions. Please remember Milton doesn't know he is on TV;-)
Written by deah. (People visiting the site could submit questions and deah would answer them.)
Dear Milton
Question: Dear Milton: Last year my friends always came to me with their problems
because, well, truth be told, I am kind of the nerdy scientist type. But
this year, all I do is obsess over a certain employee at the UFO Center, who hardly gives me the time of day, & pulls a microscope out of his own
closet!!! to solve his problems. Seems to me that I have been written off!
How can I get the gang to notice me & appreciate me once more? Please don't suggest an aqua bra, because I am quite a beauty as it is.
Signed- Lizzie
Answer: Dear Lizzie, why this match sounds positively made in heaven! I cannot imagine what the problem is between you and young Mr Ev...er...the young man is. What puzzles me more is the entire group leaning less on you. The two situations combined seem fishy. It's almost as if one or more people were keeping you from the ones you hold dear. Almost like a staff of people. Although, most don't believe in mythology I like to blame it on the Fates or Powers That Be when something like this happens. It's an unexplained phenomenon that hardly makes sense. That's the why behind it, now for the how to solve portion. I suggest the Urbialium's social bonding ritual. The secret behind it is to place yourself in as many places as possible. Make yourself look busy and disinterested. In fact, some Urbialiums believe that false attention to criminal types is the key to this ritual. I, myself, believe it's a far off stare that makes you look guilty of something that you really didn't do. I don't recommend the Urbialium's reaction to a botched ritual though...your friends will never come around if you cut off their appendages and hang them on a necklace.
Christmas Message from Milton:
Over the years I've heard a great many myths but none compare to the jolly old man himself. Legend spoon feeds us a story of St. Nicholas, but, my friends, if you believe this then I have some ocean from property in Roswell I'd like to sell you. That being was a classic EBE if I ever heard of one. Zooming through the night sky to deliver presents around the world in ONE night, creating presents for each boy & girl- impossible feats for a mere human. Notice the North Pole euphemism? Why North? I'll tell you why-Many aliens pass themselves off as being from 'up north!' Through my studies I've located one man who documented a conversation with this so-called Santa Claus in 1901. His name is really Irata and his mission is to fill the Earth with his mind control toys for young children. Under the tree he carefully places toys that turn youth into human droids. You think that Atari was just some company that started making video games? Well, my dear Roswellians, I'm afraid not! For Atari spells IRATA backwards! Before this he used crude means such as tops & yo-yos that would mesmerize children for hours while he took control of their minds. Even going so far as using the popular Bing Crosby's White Christmas to mask his backward messages on the records! So, I say it is time to lock your doors on Christmas Eve! Block up that chimney! Don't feed Irata milk and cookies and for the love of all you hold precious do not invite this EBE into your home. Other than that have a lovely holiday. Milton.
Question: Dear Milton: How is your research going & what do you think of Brody Davis?
Signed- Missing
Answer: Dear Missing, I had a hot tip from a fellow UFOlogists that I just had to follow. It seems that there is an actor out in hollywood that is posing as a human. He's been very successful up to this point but it seems he's getting careless. I'm gonna be right there. Watching, waiting...till I have hard core proof that he is indeed not of this Earth. I will update you to my findings as soon as I am settled in. As far as Brody Davis is concerned. I did a little research on him. Alien abductee...aren't they all? I will be keeping a close eye on him via sources within Roswell. Right now, he appears to only be your average guy but you never know. There's something in his eyes that I just don't like.
Question: Dear Milton: I thought I saw you hanging out at the last Star Trek convention in Santa Fe. You were the one dressed like Worf, were you not? I noticed the frequent use of the word 'kismet' when you were around one certain Deanna Troi. Could you confirm this?
Signed- Engage
Answer: Dear Engage, as you know, field work is 99% of UFOlogists work. We must explore every avenue. You never know when one poor misguided soul will inhabit the star trek convention looking for assistance amongst various "life forms." I take it upon myself to interview each person present and that young woman was just screaming "EBE" in disguise. I escorted her back to her hotel and imagine my disillusion when I discovered her to only be of the run of the mill human variety! Well, I couldn't very well let on that I disappointed. We shared a few drinks & the talk was less than inspiring. By this point my make-up was starting to rub off and I'm afraid the young lady thought that I was actually Michael Dorn, the actor who plays Worf. Not that I had lead her to believe that. Of course not! Anyway, the night ended abruptly with me being thrown out with a string of Betazoid curses following me!
Question: Dear Milton: First of all, I would like to tell you I am a huge fan of all of your work as a UFOlogist, and that I greatly admire all of your exhibits. I was reading a book series about a UFOlogist who was an alien...so I hope that this question does not offend you...I'm being quite serious...Are you an alien? secondly I wonder...What do you think about the theories relating Aliens to Elvis? Once a UFOlogist...always a UFOlogist...
Signed- Elvis-Fan
Answer: Dear Elvis-Fan, I only wish I were an alien. Ah, to be able to fly through space. To gracefully mingle with other life forms. To zap Frakes into oblivion. But, no, I'm afraid I can't claim to be an alien. Now, the Evlis-alien theory is an interesting one! The story is that a photographer, Mr Barret, was the first one to film the "alien autopsies" done on our friends from the '47 crash. He was commissioned by the FBI. Well, the link here and what I find more than interesting is the same Mr Barret was allegedly the first to photograph the King. Furthermore, Mr Barret allegedly kept some of that autopsy film and it was sold to a Mr. Scintilli. The same man who was doing a documentary about Elvis. Now, the rumors are that Elvis was well aware of the whole film Mr Barret did in '47 and was given special information through the government about the aliens of '47. Leading us UFOlogists to wonder if Mr Presley struck a deal and was lead off our planet to be an ambassador for the United States. There's a little museum in Wright City, Missouri owned by one Mr Bill Beaney that has numerous theories and articles about Elvis. If you can wade through the marriage chapel set in Las Vegas style and the wax figure in a coffin then you can get your hands on the real interesting stuff! Food for thought, indeed!
Question: Dear Milton: What do you think of Pohlman Ranch? I was out in that area today and had the strangest feeling that there were pods locked deep within the rock formation. Could there be in your opinion?
Signed- Elizabeth P.
Answer: Dear Elizabeth P., years ago my father told me tales of Polhman Ranch. We didn't live far from there and, as all good UFOlogists know, that is the sight of the "alleged" crash. Think of my excitement as my father put me to bed, threatening that if I wasn't a good boy that the "pod" aliens from across the way would come and get me. Oh, how I had longed for that to happen. Mother's cooking was never very good and my father was bent on hammering out my crazy alien notions. I would keep my eyes glued to the rock formation each day, hoping that "they" would seek me out. Alas, it never happened and I gave up my child's dream of being whisked away to a far off galaxy with four goodlooking aliens who admired me and made me their leader. So, my thoughts are that the aliens who visited the sleepy little town of Roswell, NM decided to explore the world. No pods exist in that rock formation. No alien babies ever were living in pods there. This race of aliens would never have hung around Roswell. It certainly doesn't hold the charm that would keep aliens around here long. Definitely not 50+ years. It does make for an excellent bedtime story though!
Question: Dear Milton: Do you ever get sick of being a UFOlogist? Was there ever anything else you wanted to be as a young boy?
Signed- Your fan
Answer: Dear Your Fan, before my encounter in front of the ice cream parlor, I had wanted to be a math teacher. A lofty dream. But when that encounter occurred I realized I had a higher calling. No bigger than that. It was Kismet. The moment I laid eyes upon the picture I knew I was destined to house the most complete collection of UFO material in the United States. As to ever tiring of it. No. Not once have I ever faltered. I love my job. Sure, dad wanted me to take over the family business- shoe repair but I'm happy right where I'm at. I'm needed. Those wide-eyed kids come in full of ridiculous theories from movies and I'm there ready with the straight answers. It's a demanding life but I love it!
Question: Dear Milton: If, hypothetically speaking, there were aliens in the form of humans, could they, uh, be with people... you know, *be* with people... ummm, romantically? Would any precautions be necessary?
Signed- Just Curious
Answer: Dear Just Curious, as I have said in the past I have an otherworldly child out there. As I remember, though it is all hazy, I was first put in some kind of clear jello. Under it I was wrapped in Saran Wrap. Then all danced wildly to Chaka Khan. These aliens were far from human looking though. I suspect that was their matching ritual. I do believe shapesifters and aliens that have been born with some human DNA may indeed be able to enjoy a more than adequate love life. The rituals may be a little shocking. During my research I uncovered a species that actually poured a type of Tabasco Sauce over their mate. Strange, isn't it? As to the precautions, the usual apply unless you want to be paying alien support for a good long while (the U.S. dollar does not exchange for much in far off galaxies).
Question:Dear Milton: I'm planning a trip from Roswell to Marathon, Texas. Can you suggest any accommodations along Route 285 South?
Signed- Jasmine
Answer: Dear Jasmine- May I suggest the Aladdin Nookie Hideaway? It's right off 285 South, half way between Marathon & Roswell. They have a lovely suite... not that I would know. I've never taken anyone there...especially not that nice woman from the reservation that sells jewelry. No...I've just heard about it. Er...um...make sure to check out Atherton's Geodesic dome. I heard after some kids broke into it Marathon decided to have it made into a museum. Hmph! Some museum! Nothing like the complete collection I have. Maybe I can have you take a few pictures. You know, just get the feel for the competition. Not that I'm worried. They don't have Frakes handprints for the walk of fame and let's just see what kind of round table discussion they attract!
Question: Dear Milton,
Do you know how to stop Revlon tuff one coat nail polish from breaking or
melting when , like green slimy ooze touches it? Cause I'm all for
helping out Izzy and Max, but I will SO not ruin my mani over it!
signed- Queen C
Answer: Dear Queen C- Green ooze can definitely be a problem for those great nails! What I suggest is a top coat of Vicks Vapo Rub. The Ooze will not stick to the Vapo Rub, leaving nails shiney and the Revlon color God intended. A few other helpful hints: when people come in contact with an alien they often experience an overload of flaky scalp syndrome... 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner is a great time saver & really does wonders for those incredible locks. Sometimes my fellow UFOlogists experience what we call alien burn out. My best suggestion is to soak your body in a mud bath. It purifies the mind! Next time this happens to you simply say MUD!
Question: Dear Milton, I was thinking last night...do you believe there is a special unit of alien hunters? If so, say you shapeshifted into the head alien hunter's form, what would you do about the scanner that scans the bone structure- assuming you were an alien without a skeletal system?
signed- Nasedo
Answer: Dear Nasedo, interesting name by the way...Native American for visitor, isn't it... anyway I found your question intriguing. To suggest that an alien could infiltrate an FBI unit is the thing of movies. Very twilight zone. In my expert opinion it could not happen. What an imagination you have! Reminds me of myself as a young confused boy. Now, if it were me I would cut off the hand of some tourist, let's just use the name Larry as an example, and use Larry's hand for the scanner. Sure, there is an FBI special unit. Area 51, my boy! It's all there. That was no weather balloon in 1947! AS to shapeshifters I believe that they are indeed out there and living in Roswell. Have you noticed the frequent absence of one sheriff's son? Hmmmmm....
Question: Dear Milton, do you know when that cute Max Evans will be working again?
signed- Frequent Vistor to the UFO Center
Answer: Dear Frequent Visitor, Max's spilt schedule usually runs Monday, Wednesdays, Fridays & alternate Saturdays. He cut down sometime during February. He had some obligations he had to meet. School work keeps the young lad busy as a bee. I've never meet a more dedicated human being in my whole life. He's thirst for alien lore almost matches my own. He's like the son I never had...unless you count Riyl from the Planet Kiessi that was conceived during my abduction. I never see him though. Make sure to buy the season pass. It includes the guided tour & a box lunch!
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Question: Dear Milton: I'm sort of worried and was hoping you could help me out. You are my only hope at this point!!!! Poopsie, my three year old Persian, has been freaking out every time I turn on the Dryer. Until two or three months ago this never bothered her. Is this alien related?
Signed- Poopsie's Devoted Owner
Answer: Dear Devoted Owner, alien related? Need you ask?! Poopsie is obviously reincarnated and her alien memories are now just coming out. Most likely an event triggered it. Has Poopsie been exposed to crystal-like goo that runs under Frasier Woods or Dido? Those two things are the leading causes of S.A.M. (Spontaneous Alien Memories). My educated guess would be on the Skins. The fact they grow their own skin while on Earth and that skin must be kept moist and in a nice 75 degree climate leads me to believe a dryer would be a source of fear. To help Poopsie forget those years as an A.L.F. try some soothing music near her litter box. I suggest Tony Bennett or Frank Sinatra. If that doesn't work then move the dryer to another location where your poor little Poopsie will not be reminded of her past. Editor's Note: Lady, did you possibly lock your cat in the dryer?
Question: Dear Milton: You mentioned a spiky-haired fellow that you had a tip about in L.A. How is the search going?
Signed- Wondering
Answer: I thought you'd never ask! Well, this actor seems to be a strange one indeed- obsessions with that music group Metallica, the comic character Spiderman and some fascination with hockey. These things all add up to one thing- alien life form. Take Metallica & their loud rock lyrics. It is well known certain types of aliens have very small ear canals, their hearing being quite limited. They tend to be attracted to groups like Metallica. Now, Spiderman. Whom should an alien look up to but a character with "Superhuman abilities." Lastly, hockey. You'd think this was just a normal hobby but I swear that hockey is a silent form of communication among other planets! He is watching those games intently...not for scores but messages from the home planet! Ah, he's a smart one too. He thought he could give me the slip by changing his hair style. That's not happening. I'm on his trail and I see alien prints every where he's been!
Question: Dear Milton: I'm looking into the alien breed known as the Skins. Can you tell me more about them?
Signed- King
Answer: Dear King, the Skins are an elusive group of beings. They prefer to stay to themselves and are difficult to research. They say there is a Skin colony but I believe this to be fabricated. The stuff of SCI-FI movies. Things to look for: blonde hair in the females of the species, an overt sexual nature, a star-like brand seared into their victims, a cabinet full of lotion, shrines built to their leaders (they truly have an obsessive nature) & of course, the skin peelings. I really have never put much stock into their existence. I believe it is a teenage boy's fantasy.
Question: Dear Milton: This is your mother! Isn't it about time you settled down and gave me some grandchildren??? Other than the one from outer space. I've got a good mind to come over there and yank you out of that museum by your ear, young man! You never come to see me at the retirement home. Sure, I play rummy for hours with Jim Valenti, Sr but the man has the brain of oatmeal! Always mumbling about the Silo. You're just planning to move away and never see your poor mother again, aren't you? I'm ashamed. Remember your cousin Pervis? He's a supervisor at the cheese factory now and his mother is living high off the hog. Meanwhile, the highlight of my day to spoon feeding Valenti his pudding!
signed- Your mother!
Answer: Dear Mother, give me a break! I'm thisclose to finding proof of alien existance. Do you have to embarrass me in my own column? You know this is my dream & I'm sure the retirement home isn't that bad. What exactly has Mr Valenti been saying about the Silo murder? Anything about Everet Hubble?? I'll bring you & Mr Valenti some nice alien cookies from the Crashdown and we'll chat all about this.
Question: Dear Milton: My boyfriend is acting strange. He tells me he loves me then says he needs to find his "destiny". I'm confused! I really thought I was his destiny. All I could do is watch him leave. Help, Milton! I need your advice. Should I give him the cold shoulder or beg him back?
signed- A Waitress
Answer: Dear Waitress: I never claimed to be an expert of matters of the heart but I can tell you that if I were you I'd give him the cold shoulder. Unless his destiny included anything of the alien nature then I'd set his butt packing for the Roswell bus station! If it did happen to include alien type research by chance, well, give him his space. He will come back after he's quenched that thrist. You cannot compete against the awesome power that is above us in the heavens. Why! He'd be only half a man if you tried to interfere! Yet, since I highly doubt this is the case, my advice is to go out & buy an aquabra and start getting phone numbers! Works everytime! Well, unless it's the winter.
Question: Dear Milton: I heard that you might sell the UFO Center. What are your plans, if this is true?
signed- Heartbroken
Answer: Dear Heartbroken, don't worry. Milton isn't going anywhere as long as my feet are on the ground and aliens still roam the earth. I have thought about taking a vacation, though. I heard L.A. is full of EBEs. Rumor has it several actors are not of this world, if you know what I mean. The WB is full of them. One spikey-haired fellow seems to be drawing the most interest of ufologists. I may just follow up on that and see for myself. Meanwhile, I will be reporting on the road and still taking questions.
Question: Dear Milton: Could you tell me where I can find the most realistic costume for The Festival?
signed- O2BU
Answer: Dear O2BU, the best costume I have seen is that of Spock. Now, wait a minute. This is realistic. When I had my encounter I remember the men looked Volkan. Incredible, isn't it?? It's not a hard costume to make & all us ufologists will know exactly who you are. I found Roddenberry was always closest to the true alien. 3 foot gray creatures are just the example of an unimaginative person. Who would actually believe large eyed & big headed aliens could shapeshift into human beings? Yeah, right!
Question: Dear Milton: Let's say you think there's a guy who is... we'll be P.C. and call him "planetarily challenged", and you want to beat the cr*p out of him. To
teach him a lesson, what do we aim for, and will it take more than four guys?
Signed- Tommy and Paulie
Answer:Dear Tommy & Paulie, you hooligans! I know you two! You're the ones who lit flaming bags of...matter...and left them on my doorstep! We, ufologists, do not joke around. As for knowing any aliens, you two wouldn't know an alien if he changed the answers on your test! Any alien of even moderate intelligence could take you down with just the sting of his hand. Do not enter territory where you will lose, my friends. Any self-respecting alien would heat your blood to 180 degrees and I'm just tempted enough to find one that will! If they don't then they are taking pity on your inferior brain all mucked up with video games, alcohol & loose cheerleaders!
Question: Dear Milton: You're my hero! I am working on becoming a UFOlogist myself, and although
I'm still only in high school, I think I've made a good start. My problem
is this: how to continue my investigations into close encounters with a
10:00 curfew (midnight on weekends). As you know, Milton, smooth-skinned
ovoid EBEs wait for no teenager, but how do I convince my parents to let me
patrol with my friends into the wee hours? The truth is out there, so why
should I be stuck in my room on school nights? Oh, Milton, I've just
thought -- could my parents be in on the cover-up? Could the MIB's reach
extend that far? Help!
Signed- Ali N. Hunter
Answer: Dear Ali N. Hunter, I feel your pain. I do believe there are several MIB's in our midst as well as EBEs. Do your parents often wear sunglasses...I've noticed MIB's have a distaste for sunlight. Do they receive strange phone calls in the middle of the night? Do they have a stash of weapons that put the Montana Freeman to shame? If you answered yes to these then see me directly! As to your curfew problem, there are ways around that, my young friend. As you know, Roswell is known for it's various UFO sightings. They're coming back I tell you! Seeking vengeance for that so called weather balloon escapade in '47. Get a 35mm with a zoom lens and stand at your window. In the night sky you will see them. Lights flashing as if to signal to other alien crafts. Ignore the powerful urge to build mashed potato mountains and pour tabasco sauce on top of them- that is just a distraction. Though, I did manage to build a nifty cave once. Sort of looked like one out by the Reservation. Had this odd swirl symbol on it. I think the airplane glue I use for my displays may have been getting to me. Unfortunately, I tripped over an alien head I had been working on and destroyed the whole thing! At any rate, you should encounter many UFO lights from your bedroom without causing the parents to become suspicious in any way!
Question: Dear Milton, I was wondering... do you really believe that aliens are in Roswell? And if so, who do you suspect?
signed- Alien Dreamer
Answer: Dear A.D.- Do I? You better believe it! I'd bet this cash cow on it! I have indisputable proof that aliens walk among us in the fair city of Roswell. While I was creating one of my alien works of art I noticed something extremely odd...I crept to my window and saw what I believed to be a HUGE FLAMING EYEBALL on the ground near the library and a tall dark stranger, could've been from an exotic location, hovering near it. So, in conclusion, dear A.D., I suspect he was trying to contact his home planet or using some advanced technology of roasting marshmallows. I guess we'll never know his exact motive but one thing is for certain- I believe our alien visitor to be none other than dream date candidate...Doug Shellow!
Question: Dear Milton, I noticed that you don't have a wife. Is that due to your long hours and dedication to the science of UFOlogy? Also, I'm interested in this field. How does one become a UFOlogist?
signed- Volrian from the Planet Gyseriah
Answer: Dear Vol- Although, I take a passion to my work it is not the reason there isn't currently a Mrs Milton...most women I fear are after my extensive and vast collection of Alien Archives. I have to be careful that my archives do not end up in the wrong hands. As for becoming a UFOlogist it takes years of hard work and commitment...of course, there must also be a natural knack for sniffing out Extra Terrestrials. They're a slippery bunch!
Question: Dear Milton:
While accidentally surveying a neighbor with my high powered night vision
goggles and wireless microwave listening device, I noticed that she began
writing in her diary "September 23rd. Journal entry one. I'm Liz Parker and
five days ago I died...." Then I was witness to about 45 minutes of...
well, we'll call them "flashes" about a mysterious shooting and its
aftermath. But something truly bizarre happened at the end of these
visions. Still writing in her diary and speaking (apparently the girl can
only write with her lips moving) she says, "It's September 24th, I'm Liz
Parker and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing
happened. I came to life." Really. I have the tape to prove it. I
understand the resurrection, but, Milton, what could cause the kind of
temporal fusion where two consecutive dates are both five days away from
another event? I don't believe this is a case of lost time due to alien
abduction, but I still suspect that beings "not of this earth" may be
responsible. What do you think?
Signed- Wondering in West Roswell.
Answer: Dear Wondering- I'm so glad you brought this up! This wasn't a case of alien abduction, I'm afraid. I've noticed similar strange occurances and believe I have sniffed out the mind boggling answer! Quite a few people have seemingly disappeared from Roswell to reappear as if nothing had happened. The old Native American shaman River Dog, his sidekick Eddie, quite a few of Roswells parents, Kyle Valenti and yes, even yours truly! After I hosted The tenth annual UFO Convention, the dazzling highlight of Roswellian entertainment, I noticed that time seemed to skip for me. I had been right there- talking with Amy DeLuca about the Alien Takedown...the next thing I knew it was May 18th and no one was around. At first I thought that that whiner Frakes had something to do with it because I hadn't upgraded him to a suite. You know, played tough guy with all his trekkie friends. But low and behold I did extensive research and found each person who had an unexplained loss of time had eatten Amy DeLuca's famous cream pie! Between you and I think it's time to give up her hippie ways! Obviously, poor Liz Parker fell prey to this delightful dessert.
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Disclaimer- Milton is a character belonging to Jason Katims Productions, Warner Bros and FOX. This column is not written by the great Steven Hytner who portrays Milton on the show. It is only a result of our wacky humor.
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