The

Czechoslovakian Goes to the Eraser Room

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

1 bottle

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Michael opens the Sheriff's window

- Michael has a flash from the key

- Max closes the Sheriff's window

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"The Eraser Room takes the best of us" - Maria

Alex says: I really don't think that's my area of expertise.

"I mean, what do we know about these people? Nothing. How do we know that they're not 3 feet tall, green and slimy?" - Maria

Alex says: Do they look 3 feet tall, green, and slimy?

"Mustn't? When have you ever said "mustn't"? - Maria

Alex says: Liz and I learned that in English the other day. Where were you?

"Ricky Martin in the shower." - Isabel

Alex says: ......

"Uh Michael's not really into Geometry." - Max

Alex says: Who is? But do I skip class?...well, nevermind.

"Sniff some cedar oil, Maria." - Liz

Alex says: I'm sensing hostility here. And drugs aren't the answer.

"Everytime I come around you guys start talking about Czechoslovakians, which is a country that hasn't even existed for 10 years now." - Alex

Alex says: Well, it's true. And I was getting really tired of hearing them talk about it.

"Is he also obsessed, tortured, going from one sleepless night to the next wondering what's going to happen between us?" - Liz about Max

Alex says: Ding ding ding! We have ourselves a stalker! Tell her what she's won! (if it's anything like my past er, troubles, it's a restraining order) If I were Max I'd be afraid, very afraid.

"...that you can sleep when the key to our entire existance is out there." - Michael

Alex says: Get it? Key? That Michael, what a wordsmith.

"That guy creeps me out." - Maria about Michael

Alex says: Join the club.

"Agent Heart, the FBI has no jurisdiction here." - Sheriff

Alex says: Um, doesn't the FBI pretty much have jurisdiction anywhere in the US?

"You've thought about this a lot haven't you?" - Max to Liz about the whole "alien thing"

Alex says: Well she needed the material for her journal entries, so....

"One... Two... Three." - Max

Alex says: Good, now try your ABC's. I know that Hooked on Phonics can work for you!

"We always have to be able to leave, pack a suitcase, go somewhere else... maybe 10 years from now... maybe a week from now... maybe tomorrow..." - Michael

Alex says: ...maybe at the end of the season...

Would a human wear that?

Michael's red shirt with a barcode (maybe if you were Billy Corgan, but of course the question is about humans...)

Honorary Alien of the Week

The FBI agent

Is that an Alien Language?

"How do we know they can't wiggle their noses and poof us into oblivion?" - Maria

"Hummina, hummina." - student to Topolsky

"Sorry about the intrusion." - FBI agent

"God, the whole thing is so Roswellian." - Maria

"It kind of makes life claustrophobic." - Liz

"...in really excruciating detail." - Liz

"Michael is AWOL." - Isabel

"Hypothetically." - Max

"Don't you think it behooves is to do something about it?" - Liz

"...and other paranormal occurances." - FBI agent

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Smashing Pumpkins

Gus Gus

The Cardigans

Dido

The

An Alien Invaded My Dreams

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

Sadly, none

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Isabel messes with the air conditioning

- Isabel messes with the stereo

- Isabel goes into Maria's dream

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"There's no such thing as aliens, especially around here." - Maria

Alex says: Are you sure about that? I know someone who likes sulfur too much...

"You can't become something until you can dream it first." - Topolsky

Alex says: You sound like a fortune cookie.

"Going home?" - Maria to Isabel, with a glance at the rocket

Alex says: (laughter)

"We can't expose ourselves" - Isabel to Max

Alex: You tell him, sista, those pecs are scary!

"My future was full of all kinds of promise" - Liz

Alex: Ever heard of "pride goeth before the fall", hon?

"Some people are just pigs" - Liz

Alex says: And some people are aliens.

"Minimum wage, long hard hours." - UFO guide

Alex says: Tell me about it

"Law enforcement. This is a joke right?" - Kyle

Alex says: Unfortunately for Kyle, no it's not. Anyone who could seriously wear those huge sunglasses (see Pilot episode) is doomed to a life in law enforcement.

Would a human wear that?

Maria's "schoolgirl" outfit

Honorary Alien of the Week

Britney Spears

Is that an Alien Language?

"...perform excrutiating experiments." - Isabel

"...most elaborate coverup." - Mr. Mustard

"Let me just confide here." - Maria

"She is deliberately trying to freak me out." - Maria

"...a total fender bender." - Maria

"She's irrational." - Isabel

"...a metal inscribed with purple heiroglyphs." - UFO guide

"We're always being so cautious." - Max

"Preventive measures." - Isabel

"I'm about to show you unmitigated proof that aliens walk this earth." - UFO guide

"Liz, this is so ludicrous." - Maria

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Christina Aguilera

Third Eye Blind

Tin Star

Other Star People

Folk Implosion

The

Cheesy Episode from Another Planet

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

argh

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Michael makes the jock itch (pun intended!)

- Michael changes the jocks answers

- Michael melts Kyle's locker

- Isabel heats the burger and coffee

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

Will life ever go back to normal? - Liz

Alex says : Umm, NO. Things lose some normalacy when you fall for other lifeforms. But feel free to get a second opinion.

"God help this poor town with you running around in it!" - Grandma to Maria

Alex says: "God help this poor town with that hair dresser running around in it!"

"Maybe you're just reading into this too much." -Maria to Liz

Alex says: Amen

So the hair thing, does it work for you? - Maria

Alex says: No, it really doesn't.

Improving your mind, eh? -- Sheriff

Alex says: what, is he Canadian now too?

Stay away from her. - jock

Who? - max

Liz - jock

Alex says: no the lunch lady. Where've you been these past few episodes? Didn't you hear her introduce herself in every single scene?

"I like Liz. A lot." - Kyle

Alex says : How do you treat people that you DON'T like then?

I'll have an Alien Blast - Max

Me too - Liz

Alex says: That's disgusting

We have to go back into our shells - Max

Alex says: Are you a turtle now, too?

Suck a duck - Maria

Alex says: You say some of the weirdest things I've ever heard Maria

Would a human wear that?

Kyle's cowboy shirt (yee-haw!)

Honorary Alien of the Week

Yahoo's Promotions Department

Is that an Alien Language?

>"Why would orthodontists want to convene in Roswell?" - Maria

"Uh, miss...my colleagues and I were just appreciating your wonderful overbite." - Orthodontist

"Spacey man." - Maria

"We're going to need some time to determine what the repurcussions are." - Doctor

"Why am I talking to you about this? I'm like deranged." - Kyle

"Dios mio." - Maria

"To put this as succinctly as possible, I'm not really a service oriented person." - Isabel

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Smash Mouth

Sarah McLachlan

Sugar Ray

Mandy Moore

Save Ferris

The

Close Encounters with the Aqua Bra

(French subtitle: Our Mothership took over a Hallmark Store)

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

2 bottles of tabasco on the wall, 2 bottles of tabasco...

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Max changes his cards

- Michael heals River Dogs ankle

- the trio lights up the "sign"

- Max removes the "sign"

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"I swear on my badge that no one will ever have to know."- the Sheriff

Alex says: No! Don't trust him! Look at how he dresses- he doesn't take this job seriously. That cop from the Village People would be better at his job!

"Mosquitoes, pit toilets, and animal droppings. Yes!" - Isabel

Alex says: You like those too? Awesome!

"Last year I ate 5 brautwurst, and this year I plan to eat 6." - Kyle

Alex says: I am SO glad I'm not sharing a tent with you.

"I'm going to have a little talk with myself." - Alex

Alex says: ahem....(clears throat in embarassment) Even us brilliant psychologists have our problems

"But you made me a part of this." - Liz to Max

Alex says: I didn't think it was possible, but that line is so overdramatic that it obliterates my ability to make fun of you.

"There's been a sighting!" - Mr. Mustard, the UFO Guide

Alex says: Oh, did you see Max in the parking lot?

"You have officially lost it." - Liz

Alex says: You never officially had it!

"Would you like to try it on?"- Maria to Alex about the infamous aqua bra

Alex says: Yes, more than anything! Well, not as much as I want to see Isabel try it on. But close.

"That's why my mom and I have a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy."- Maria

Alex says: Is that how you get away with those hair cuts?

"...and the guy with the hair." - Liz's Dad, making appropriate big hair gestures

Alex says: yeah, tell us about it

"He's a walking ball of stress"- some guy to Kyle about his dad

Alex says: WELL, that's one way to describe him- but I can think of others!

"Is this the big invasion?" - Kyle

Alex says: Um, actually, it kinda is. But they come in peace. Except for the guy with the hair...

"He's not that different from us at all." - refering to Max

Alex says: Attention script-mart shoppers: Roswell scripts are now discounted when purchased in mass quanities. Yes, that's right, the more OF THE SAME that you buy, the cheaper they are (apparently).

"I think something might happen tonight" - Sheriff

Alex says- After viewing tonight's Roswell, I can assure you that NOTHING important happened tonight.

Would a human wear that?

The infamous aqua bra, and the belly/nose ring

Honorary Alien of the Week

Alex's Dad

Is that an Alien Language?

"Tired of spending every waking moment pining over them..." - Maria

"Yeah, but skewering my navel is not exactly my idea of fun." - Liz

"There's corroboration." - Mr. Mustard, the UFO Guide

"I want every inch of that woods combed before Agent Stephens sends his feebee goons out there." - Sheriff

"Alex, um, your paranoid schizophrenia, it's kicking in." - Liz

"Another one being sucked into the alien abyss." - Maria

"That summer, they found 5 cows, all of them mutilated with surgical precision on Haddie Wexler's farm." - Kyle

"I figured you guys would be having a little woodsy tryst." - Maria

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Vertical Horizon

The

A Whole Lotta Alien Lovin'

French [and we do mean French] subtitle - "Let's go makeout and find out where (alien) babies come from"

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

One! But it was a really good one. She not only had a bottle, but Isabel shook it, ate it...can we get extra credit or something?

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- the glowing hickey/rash thing

- all the memories shared (like Maria's Punky Brewster shoes)

- turning off the lights and on the candles w/a snap

- Max removing the hickey

- Max making "glow tracks" on Liz

- the glowing rock

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

We had way too much fun with this show

"It's February 20th and I'm Liz Parker." - Liz

Alex says: She's doing it AGAIN!

"People do a lot of dumb things when they are drunk."- Liz

Alex says: Like what? Writing to themselves with an introduction? Surely no sober person would attempt that.

"I always knock over strawberries this time of night." - Liz

Alex says: Is that what the kids are calling it?

""My first time will NOT be between a hot plate, a kielbasa, and a deep fryer" - Liz

Alex says: Are you sure about that? Roswell doesn't have that many sets.

"A friend wouldn't have kept that to himself." - Max

Alex says: How long will it take you to figure out that there are a lot of things that a real friend wouldn't do that Michael would. Like wear that hair style.

"Let's get busy people." - teacher guy

Alex says: Oh, so you saw the previews too?

"I think I've heard enough." - Liz's mom

Alex says: I think I've SEEN enough, what is this, Cinemax after hours?

"I'm glowing everywhere!" - Liz

Alex says: Don't they make anti-glow skin care products that could help?

"I want you to know, you don't have to lie to me." - Mom

Alex says: But lying makes Liz feel more rebellious. Almost as daring as wearing capri pants, long after they went out of style.

"I think I saw the crash." - Liz

Alex says: Really? Should we call the sheriff? I'll get the insurance information...Or are you referring to the crashing of this plot line into the wall of the other hackneyed Roswell ideas?

"Everybody has red sneakers" - Michael

Alex says: Oh those 80s fashions, how I wish I could forget....I never had red sneakers...

"I know what this is" - Max to Liz

Alex says- Yeah he's been walking around with one of those since the start of the episode - Liz, could your drawing be more obvious about what you're really asking for?*

"Parker... Parker..." - anal retentive gym teacher

Alex says: Bueller... Bueller...

"I can't stop." - Liz

Alex says: Try thinking about sulfur. No wait, that might make you more excited

"Great I won't have to miss the hockey game." - Michael

Alex says: How very Canadian of you. But if you are nice to Maria, you could be playing the hickey game.

"Ok, kiss me." - Isabel to Alex

Alex says: There is a God!

"You have access to one of the top 3 seduction lines in history - 'You're gonna help me find my home planet.'" - Michael

Alex says: Wait a minute, let me write this down...

""You lucky, undeserving dog." - Michael to Max

Alex says: Wait. You don't like Liz now, too, do you?

"I'm glowing everywhere. My toes, my heart..." - Max

Alex says: STOP, STOP! Don't go there. And last time I checked, toes are on the outside, unless that's another one of your alien oddities.

"It's just beautiful. The universe is beautiful." - Liz

Alex says: Could you get any weirder? First you like sulfur, now you're discussing beauty with your bio teacher!

"Mom, will you stop trying to control me?" - Liz

Alex says: Now YOU know how it feels!

"Wait! That's the noise I heard in my vision, it's over here." Liz to Max

Alex says: Uh-huh, and the 50 foot tower didn't tip you off?*

"I saved you from a destiny...watching Kyle barf after a beer bust." - Max

Alex says: ...and replaced it with a destiny of running for the FBI and alien hunters. Don't be too proud of yourself Max

"I happen to know that for a fact" - Michael to Maria in the apartment

Alex says: Can someone get a decent cameraman for this scene? I feel like I'm watching the Blair Witch project!

Would a human wear that?

Liz's capri gym pants, Maria's fringed sweater/skirt

Honorary Alien of the Week

Liz: she's got enough alien saliva in her to last a whole alien lifetime

Is that an Alien Language?

"Well, I was just wondering, you know, in the interest of science, kissing being purported to provoke these certain insights - I wanted to, you know, offer myself as a human subject available for experimentation." - Alex

"Well, there could be a red giant." - Teacher

"More efficient." - Liz

"The primordial experience known as...detention." - Teacher

"Maybe we can generate some information." - Isabel

"They were what we used to call "making out"." - Principal

"Well, that's the Whirlwind Galaxy." - Teacher

"But I got some Chaka Khan cued up in the CD player." - Michael

"Unbelievable, awe-inspiring..." - Maria

"Or maybe she'll explode if they don't do it." - Alex

"Do you have a juicer?" - Isabel

"You know, I'm sure it doesn't compare to other things you could be doing, like watching Kyle barf after a beer blast." - Max

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

a Chaka Kahn mention

Marcy Playground

Sarah McLachlan

Tara McLean

lots of beeping

Alex Says... comments courtesy of Mayfae and Genevieve! :)

The

Plot? Nope, But We Got Plenty of Food

(Subtitle: Oh so this is the one where Liz and Max make out, Maria and Michael fight, Alex tries to win over Isabel and someone is after The Secret, yeah, I've seen this one already.)

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

We're just gonna have to substitute in sugar on this one. And whatever those pills are that Nasedo keeps popping like Tic-Tacs.

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Nasedo shifted from the doctor to the burly woodsman guy

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Welcome to Roswell" - Alex

Alex: Translation - Welcome to Hell

"What? I don't look like a girl who gets flowers every day?" - Maria

Alex says : "No, you're the girl who gets her car stolen all the time, remember?"

"Oh! wooo! Peep shows!" - Alex

Alex says : Can we start again?

"They love surprises." - Max about girls

Alex: Yeah...aliens, dead bodies, shape shifters. We're bona fide casanovas.

"We're closing early." - Michael & Maria

Alex says: And let us say no more, I'm having enough trouble keeping down my crashdown meal as it is.

"Roswell attracts all kinds" - Sheriff

Alex: Like people who love sulfur.

"It had bad reviews" - Liz

Alex says: Like something else I know.

"Push the special, I'm tired of flipping burgers." - Michael

Alex says: Wait, did I miss the plot in which Michael starting working at the Crashdown?

"Don't trust anyone." - topolsky

Alex says: and that's different from their normal modus operanda how exactly??

"Anyone could be watching" - Max

Alex says: Yup, all 5 faithful Roswell viewers.

"Mr. Wonderful." - maria

Alex says: Yes? Oh, uh, you were talking about Max. Forgot I wasn't the "star" of the show.

"Where have you been all of this time?" - Liz to Topolsky

Alex says: On a bad tv movie remake, Satan's School for Girls. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Nothing else was on!

"Shampoo and conditioner. In one." - Michael (about his gift to Maria)

Alex says: I'm afraid that even the combined powers of shampoo AND conditioner couldn't penetrate that helmet of hers.

"You have to believe me!" - Topolsky to Liz

Alex says: I believe that that horrendous wig your wearing makes you look like Orphan Annie.

"I'll never be ok again." - Topolsky

Alex says: Yeah, Roswell is on your resume. I feel your pain.

"We can't be seen together. " - Topolsky to Liz

Alex says: Um, hate to burst your bubble, but you're already being seen together. Or is basic common sense not a requirement to being an agent?

"It's supposed to make your skin soft" - Max

Alex: As opposed to the brilo pad you call skin that I've been rubbing up against.

"What list?" - Max to Liz

Alex says: the 10 most annoying actors on tv today?

"I think we need protection Max" - Liz

Alex says: Ugh, get a room already!

"If anything happens to me..." - Michael

Alex says: ...it would be a huge surprise, considering what show this is.

Would a human wear that?

Topolsky's wig (It looked like a dead animal actually). Did the Roswell cast suddenly find the local Prada boutique or something? Levi's couldn't dress them that good.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Let's go for the obvious: Tess

Is that an Alien Language?

It's kinda hard not to with all the face-sucking going on. - Isabel

Things are getting frosty - Michael

Hey Gidget. You got some flowers from Moondoggie. - Maria

You substitute it for an inferior item. - Maria

Vulnerable? - Alex

She's paranoid delusional. - Dr. Margolin

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Angelia Via

7th House

Lori Carson

Radford

The

Max discovers Tesstosterone

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

Lots on Michael's counter!

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- Tess and Max's kiss connection

- Tess fixes the antique

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"I'm just tired I guess." - Max

Alex says: Of Tess running through my head all day...

"Max you're on fire!" - Tess to Max after the disgusting science room fantasy

Alex says: Please do not ever have a fantasy again. I think I'm permanently scarred.

"Do I have something in my teeth?" - Tess

Alex says: Its hard to say, but perhaps a chunk of the half dozen pounds of make-up on your face fell into your mouth?

"Sheriff Valenti, Roswell, New Mexico. I must talk to her." - the Sheriff calling for Topolsky

Alex says: It might have helped to leave your phone number...

"I can't stop it." - Max about the fantasies

Alex says: Try HARDER!!!

"Haven't you ever had a fantasy before?" - Michael

Alex says: Have I ever? I consider myself an expert.

"Since you are obviously so eager..." - Science teacher to Max as flame rises

Alex says: Its a good thing those Roswell writers don't overdo the symbolism, that would be annoying.

"Kathleen Topolsky was one of the victims of the fire." - Dr. Margolin

Alex says: Sure, sure she was. And that crash in '47 was just some Mexicans in a weather balloon. Yeah, and there's some beach front property in Arizona I'd like you to look at.

"So either give it to me straight or never give it to me at all." - Maria to Michael

Alex says: That is way too easy to take the wrong way.

"What is that? Porn or something?" - Maria about the camera/tv

Alex says: Well now that you're onscreen...

"ADMINISTRATION" - (the big sign)

Alex says: Its a good thing the school doesn't make student's secret files hard to find, because that would be almost as obnoxious as if Roswell High School went out on a limb and hired faculty members to keep an eye on the students who are digging through them. Oh, the joys of realism.

"They don't work at the cheese factory." - Michael about the military guys

Alex says: But the Roswell writers do! That was TOO easy.

"It's the 21st century after all, call me Ed." - Tess's father

Alex says: Mr. Ed? And how is that 21st century?

"I used to admire you." - Michael to Max

Alex says: ...but then I recovered from my hockey head injury.

"I love this stuff, are you kidding?" - Alex about techno gadgets

Alex says: Well, I get bored sitting around in my trailer waiting for my requisite 5 minutes of screen time. At least I've developed some new skills.

"Thanks Mom." - Liz to Max

Alex says: I don't even want to start considering the potential Freudian implications of that.

"Surely a girl as pretty as you has a boyfriend?" - Ed

Alex says: Somehow I doubt the army is the real reason Tess and her dad move so often.

Would a human wear that?

Tess's back-tie shirt in the science room. It seems that as the cast's clothes improve, so does the plot.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Tess's dad...that guy was way too creepy

Is that an Alien Language?

"Combustability." - the teacher

"He didn't have the foggiest idea who I was" - Valenti

"It's an integrated camera w/a microwave transmitter" - Alex (and everything else he said after that)

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Foo Fighters

Sneaker Pimps

Lit

The

On the Next Jerry: Aliens Who Impregnate Each Other Through Dreams

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

Um, One.

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

- The flashes

- The dreams

- Book materializing in library

- Isabel's pregnancy(?)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"It's time to melt the ice". - Isabel

Alex says : Oh My God! Pinch me!

"Sweet dreams". - Alex

Alex says : Stupid, stupid, stupid! Note to myself: never wish sweet dreams to an alien girl during her Venus constellation period.

"Why is everybody following me?" - Tess

Alex says: They want your autograph, of course. What do you mean you aren't Christina Aguilara?

"We can't just sit around and wait for her to do something." - ?

Alex says: Yeah, that was the plot last week!

"It could be anyone at anytime" - Michael about Nasedo

Alex says: Good thing we're having this conversation in a public park!

"She scares me!" - Liz about Tess

Alex says: These closeups scare me!

"Oh, and that silly clown show you put on for us" - Mrs. Evans about Isabel and Max

Alex says: Clown show?!?!

"Don't you ever get signals from someone?" - Tess to Isabel

Alex says: Um, are they setting up some female alien on female alien action?

"Something primal" - Max

"Instinctive" - Isabel

"Non-human" - Max

Alex says: Um,...alien?

"There are signs all around us." - Tess

Alex says: Yup, like that Administration sign from last week.

"Must be something in the water" - Maria

Alex says: Like spanish fly

"You are who you choose to be." - Liz

Alex says: Then you, my friend, chose poorly.

"Public library?" - Liz

Alex says: As opposed to paying, members only libraries.

"I'll show you everything." - Tess

Alex says: I'd rather you didn't, this isn't HBO missy.

"I couldn't eat right now if you paid me." - Isabel

Alex says: Good, because this is the WB, and we don't allow our actresses to eat. Seriously.

"Show me what you really look like!!! What I really look like!" - Psycho Max

Alex says: Geez, don't you have any volume level between mumbling and crazed lunatic?! Moderation is a GOOD thing.

"Operation never leave Max alone." - Maria

Alex says: Which is alternatively called "Roswell" on the WB

Would a human wear that?

Tess's "studying" outfit at the library

Honorary Alien of the Week

Alex. Only an alien could be that sweet.

Is that an Alien Language?

"There are some unscrupulousmoving companies in this town." - Sheriff

"This necessitates the implementation of my plan" - Maria

"Something primal" - Max

"Glacial could be another word for it." - Alex

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

The Folk Implosion

Collapsis

The

My Alien Ex-boyfriend is Complicating My New Job

Episode

Tabasco Use Count

Screw the Tabasco count, this season we've got the Trampy Outfit Count. And we're off and running at 9 for the pilot episode! Max gets bonus points for being shirtless.

We're also throwing in the bonus Bad Hair Count. We got 3 out of 7. Maria gets how ever many bonus points it takes to make up for last season - she looks good! Can you beweave it?

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Michael explodes rocks (be still my beating heart)

• Nasedo shapeshifts

• Max dates the bones (take that however you want)

• Liz has a "soulmate" flash from Max's touch (I think it's hallucinogens)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Next one, keep your focus." - Tess

Alex says: Just to clue the viewers in - Roswell's last season drained the town of "big hair" products and Tess started taking lessons from Michael. Oh, and I already miss Michael's big hair. This flat thing isn't working.

"I just want to get a fresh start." - Liz

Alex says: ...and a cough drop.

"What are you doing out here?" - Geologist to Isabel

Alex says: Seducing older men - what else did you expect? It's the only role she has in this show.

"This is a matter of federal interest." - Congresswoman

Alex says: You're a congresswoman, not an FBI agent. Don't you have something better to do like rant to empty Congress rooms on C-SPAN?

"The bones are fused and melted together." - Doctor

Alex says: Wow, that's pretty good considering Michael didn't even TOUCH Agent Pierce when he killed him.

"Intimately?" - Tess about Nasedo "diddling" the Congresswoman

Alex says: That jealousy was real subtle Tess. And PS: EWWWW

"I'm cracking rocks" - Michael

Alex says: and smoking crack rock.

"[the physics teacher] spent like two weeks obsessing about it last semester" - Liz about the new college physics department

Alex says: I could make a joke about Liz's obsession with science, but that would be SO last season. And we're about being "sexy" this season, aren't we? Science isn't sexy.

"I hear ex-cons are really good in bed" - Maria

Alex says: Subtle...and once again, EWWWWWW

Would a human wear that?

We don't really need this section anymore, do we?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Courtney. I smell a plotline.

Is that an Alien Language?

"...decimated..." - Congresswoman

"A geologist." - Max

"He came in peacably." - Deputy

"I'm testing the area for radioactivity." - Geologist

"You can never find those little Pod People when you want them" - Nasedo

"Sheriff Valenti, welcome to the ever burgeoning 'I know an alien' club." - Nasedo

"To borrow a crude human term, diddling." - Nasedo

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Stone Temple Pilots

Bif Naked

The

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, But What Max Evans Can Do For Your Country

Episode

Trampy Outfit Count

8! This works way better than counting tabasco, and they're easier to spot!

Bonus Plot Device Count!:

The "hit-you-over-the-head metaphor with the class discussion that just so happens to fit conveniently into the plot" device

The "i'm not really drunk, i'm just pumping you with for information" plot

The "let's let the two most useless characters room together and eventually have them get it on" plot

The "Michael rebelling against Max and going off on his own and getting in trouble" plot

The "i'm a rich millionaire who happens to be obsessed with aliens so i'm probably going to let Max conveniently use my high tech gadgets with his war" plot

The "new girl who's hitting on Michael is not only a man stealer, but also an evil alien from another planet" device

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Isabel "scratches" the CD's

• Tess heals Max

• They messed with the healing stones

• Max halts the flame

• Max opens UFO center door

• The Backstreet Boy's alien device goes off

• Max halts Michael & Isabel

• Courtney removes her Biore face strip

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"My strength fails. My vitality exhausted. I cannot find the bull. I can only hear the locusts chirring through the night" - Kyle

Alex says: Philosophy at football camp - that's a new one.

"Did you have a flash?" - Maria to Liz

Alex says: Well, Max is practically flashing the whole town, so yeah that's about right.

"What does it mean to be a leader?" - History teacher

Alex says: Let's see: pointy bangs, scary pecs, huge ears, whiny monotone, did I get them all?

"You OK?" - Max

"No" - Tess

Alex says: I use short words too. We all smart!

"A life completely different from this one." - Tess

Alex says: A life where shirts are required at all times.

"The skins are among us." - Max

Alex says: So, you saw Tess' new wardrobe too?

"Instead of all this talk, why don't we just break into the UFO center and take the damn thing." - Michael

"Because it's too dangerous." - Max

Alex says: No, because that would be advancing the plot and we can't have that.

"Don't touch that!" - New UFO guy

Alex says: Okay, so not only has he stolen M.C. Hammer's hair, he is taking his lines too?

"You Buddhists have, like no sense of humor!" - Tess

Alex says: And you don’t use nearly enough makeup

"I'm too young to be dust" - Isabel

Alex says: Or to have wrinkles. You better watch those stress lines, honey.

"I need a little piece of mind" - Kyle

Alex says: Or a little piece of whatever

"It's not every day you walk in on your boss drinking and shredding." - Congresswoman

Alex says: Shredding under the influence? Is that legal? anybody got a breathalyzer here?

"Home." - Tess

Alex says: Thank you, E.T.

"Oh God!" - Maria about Tess and Max walking together

Alex says: No, that wasn't an over-reaction at all

"It's not that I dislike you." - Max to Tess

Alex says: ... I loathe you

"Nasedo taught me a few memory retrieval techniques. I can show them to you some time." - Tess to Max

Alex says: Yeah, and I bet that's not all you want to show him

"Look at me...waiting for my boyfriend to call. Which one of us is in high school?" - Congresswoman

Alex says: Neither of you- at least you don't look it

"You're both involved with tramps. How is Tess, by the way?" - Maria

Alex: Like you are one to talk, Ms. "i wear headbands for skirts"

"And you know where this signal came from?" - Brody

Alex says: The same place where Max's shirt keeps disappearing to?

"Calvin Klein. I approve." - Tess to Kyle

Alex says: Yeah, well I don't. Given his past exploitation of teen's sexuality, I'm starting to get a clue who's costuming us.

"I don't have that kind of insight." - Max to Maria

Alex says: Especially when your eyes are busy being "insight" with Maria's breasts. Exactly how close did you guys get this summer?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Brody Davis - he's gotta be. Did you see his huge head?

Moral of the Week

Before you kill your ex-boss make sure he's an evil alien from another planet.

Is that an Alien Language?

"It disintegrated" - Michael

"Who is this bitch who moved in on your man?" - Congresswoman

"Does this tramp have a name?" - Congresswoman

"I need a little clarity" - Kyle

"I say that's a load of crap" - Michael

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Amanda Ghost

Dandy Warhols

Tarsha Vega

Trinket

The

Never Trust the Government

Episode

How Many Time's Can Michael's Hair Change in One Episode? Count

5

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Bending the alien metal

• Michael makes a beer

• Michael shatters some bottles

• Michael catches his finger on fire

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"So, new gel?" - Maria

Alex says: And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

"You kids today are softer than soap." - WW2 vet

Alex says: Um what? Does that mean something? Anything?

"Mr. Brain." - Vet/Michael about "Alex"

Alex says: Heh, I paid them to say that.

"So you wanna hear about my day?" - Vet/Michael

"Absolutely not." - Girlfriend/Isabel

Alex says: I'll second that.

Confidential - folder

Alex says: Or "papers anyone with half a brain could see".

"I guess when you’re lacking on other assets you’ve gotta trump up the one you got" - Hal about Alex

Alex says: Did you say "tramp up"? Yeah, all I need is a thong and a police uniform and...oh, sorry, that was last week.

"You better show me a little respect or I'll kick your ass through that door!" - Captain "Anal Old Man" Carver

Alex says: Yea!! Now we're getting somewhere!

"I can't go down that road with you Hal, I'm sorry." - Dodi/Max to Carver/Michael

Alex says: Awww, "Max" is breaking up with "Michael".

"Well done captain." - Mr. Brain/Alex

"Don't touch me." - Dodi/Max

Alex says: Did you just break up with me too? You're a little heartbreaker today aren't ya?

"What's with that hair of yours anyway?" - Carver

Alex says: None of us on the show have a life, so the producers have decided that Michael’s hair will begin to have an ever increasing role as an ongoing character. Next week it will have its own dialogue.

"4 to a sack, 8 total." - Carver

Alex says: Oh no, there's MORE of the pod squad? God help us.

"Don't worry Richie. You're gonna get your little house, white picket fence, backyard BBQ..." - Young "Michael Guerin" Carver

Alex says: ...and your cherry colas and high school fantasies

"You're drunk?" - Young Carver

Alex says: Alright! Drunk Max is fun!

"I love this country. What if there’s something out there capable of destroying us" - Captain 'Max’ Ritchie

Alex says: like the Neilson company?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Captain "I'm Michael's Symbolic Dad" Carver

Moral of the Week

Be nice to people. You might have 4 more unknown brothers and/or sisters.

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Vast

Mest

The

Pod Squad takes Manhattan

Episode

This Week's Count

4 empty old pods on the wall, 4 empty old pods. Take one down, cause Zan got clowned, 3 empty old pods on the wall...

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Bad Isabel turns down the CD

• Bad Isabel turns up the CD

• Emissary turns Max into a show at the Laser Dome ("Tonight's Southern Rock Night, tomorrow night is Floyd!")

• Michael explodes stuff in the Crashdown

• Max catches the ball

• Liz appears to Max in muted form (those kids over at MBTV finally got their wish - Liz shut up)

• Bad Isabel tries to kill Max. Bad, Isabel, Bad!

• Various aliens take over innocent people's bodies

• Isabel trys to dreamwalk to warn Max

• Rath and Lonni tried to get in Tess's head and Tess fought back (somehow, maybe the evil ones are dead, that means they can't appear for another sweeps month episode, hurray!)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"I'm the king of the world!" - Max

Alex says: You're one night too late. Titanic was on last night.

"Break out of the membranes, step out of the pods..." - Bad Isabel referring to being born in NY

Alex says: ...hang them up on the wall as archaic, nasty decorations.

"Crazy is sleeping w/Kyle Valenti" - Maria

Alex says: Crazy is wearing that hat.

"Well, they will do the possession thing again, you know like the Emissary did" - Rath

Alex says: Cool! Whose head will spin?

"Can we [go]?" - Isabel

"Yeah, yeah." - Michael

Alex says: Oh, they finally figured out that they can leave the Crashdown any time they want. Bright aliens these guys are.

"I'm gonna blow it" - Max

Alex says: What? Your inflated head? I'm dying to see that!

"Your highness." - Emissary

Alex says: Am I the only one you heard something else? All I'm gonna say is that it's related to a stick up somewhere...

"You got the royal seal stenciled on your brain." - Rath

Alex says: Ouch.

"Is that even possible?" - Isabel

Alex says : What? You being 18 while still a junior? The dates stuff was supposed to have happened in the show?

"I guess it makes us even" - Liz

Alex says : Well, to be really even, Max has to pretend to have slept with Kyle and maintain the story for at least 4 episodes.

"Frigid!" - Liz proclaiming her virginity w/Maria

Alex says: Well that just set back feminism 25 years.

"The freak with the mohawk stays here." - Nicolas

"Yeah, I can live with that." - Lonnie

Alex says: We all all can.

"You're my sister and I love you and that comes first. Always." - Max

Alex says: Aw, 'bout time you started treating Isabel right.

"Where?" - Maria

"The place by the thing where we went that time with whats-her-name." - Liz

Alex says: And did you see Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors there?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Jason Behr's High School Principal

Moral of the Week

Even if you save your true love's life, you should still lie about sleeping with your ex-boyfriend.

Even if you live in the sewers, you can still have a Cube iMac with a flat-screen

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Lifehouse

The

Hark! The Herald Aliens Sing

Episode

Once Again, Everyone Gets a Cute New Hairdo but Michael Count

7

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Max breaks into the Brody home

• Tess carves the turkey

• Max heals cancer girl (gets flashes)

• Max heals sick boy (gets flashes)

• Max heals other sick girl (gets flashes)

• Max goes on a healing spree in the sick kid ward, pretty much (and drains himself with each one)

• Michael locks door to ward

• Max lit up an ornament

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"How could you let me die?" - Dead guy

Alex says: Oh, way to go dead guy, now we'll get super mopey Max.

"I see him." - Max

"You mean, you literally see him?" - Liz

Alex says: Max sees dead people. Who doesn't these days?

"Go home and think about what Maria means to you" - Isabel

Alex says: And then he should write 1000 times: ‘Isabel is always right. . . Isabel is always right . . . .’

"There was a crowd, a huge crowd, and everyone was watching" - Max

Alex says: . . . and you were naked – yeah, yeah, no big deal, everyone has those dreams.

"Clearly you guys don't bother with Christmas trees" - Tess

Alex says: Clearly they didn't bother you with makeup this episode. Nice!

"You think I’m obsessed?" - Isabel

Alex says: Obsessed, compulsive, paranoid, fanatical, preoccupied, fixated, absorbed, possessed, fervent - my thesaurus doesn’t have enough words to describe it.

"Did you even REFER to my diagram?!" - Isabel

Alex says: It’s funny, she said the same thing to me last time I tried to kiss her.

"His mind and body are in deep conflict" - Kyle

Alex says: HEY! Leave the psychological analysis to me, please!

"I don't know what else to say." - Max

Alex says: How 'bout: "I'm Max and what I say goes." It's worked for you so far.

"I could have healed him, but I didn't" - Max

Alex says: You could have bought a Christmas tree, but you didn't. You got over that pretty quickly.

"You need to restore the balance" - Dead guy

Alex says: Yeah, so stop smiling!

"It's just a dream, go back to sleep." - Max to Sydney

Alex says: Um, if it is just a dream then she's already asleep, nice cover story.

"C’mon, look within, putz!" - Kyle

Alex says: Maybe my Yiddish is a bit rusty, but can you SAY that word on TV?

"I AM HERE! HELLO!" - Tess

Alex says: NOT FOR LONG! GOODBYE!

"Maybe there is someone or something out there that's planning all this." - Liz

Alex says: There is, and his name is Jason.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The kids in the hospital

Moral of the Week

Max is not God, but he likes to act like it

Girls like bumpers, but they also like pearls

You can always rely on the Christmas Nazi when you buy a bad gift

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

N/A

The

My So-Called Dreamlife

Episode

Random Observations

The Evans get a new house (See: Isabel's bedroom vs Season 1) and a dinky TV

River Dog was sitting at the Crashdown counter as Maria laid down the rules to Brian Krakow

Brian Krakow has matured quite well :)

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Isabel dreamwalks into Liz's dream

• Isabel dreamwalks into Kyle's dream

• Isabel dreamwalks into random guest star's dream

• dreamingwalking continues

• more of the same

• yet more...

• Max makes a forcefield to block the bullets

• Isabel breaks the glass dome

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"We must have 50 channels" - Isabel

Alex says: And you won't find me on any of them!

"Crap...crap...crap" - Max

Alex says : Is he talking about the "new" story lines?

"I'm with Brad now." - Dream Liz

Alex says: Did I somehow change the channel (and the laws of time and space) and start watching Sweet Valley High?

"There's nothing on" - Isabel

Alex says : Well, not over here, that's why I'm taking a cold shower right now.

"It was over a year ago, why investigate that?" - Sheriff

Alex says: Because the plot has run stagnant?

"I know but it's not getting me anywhere" - Liz

Alex says : As opposed to what?

"You have gifts the rest of us don't" - Valenti to Isabel

Alex says : Well, there are 2 obvious ones.

"We prefer the term 'hybrids'." - Tess

Alex says: I thought it was 'not of this earth', I can't keep up with these guys.

"Nothing. I was just talking to myself" - Kyle

Alex says : I think we're gonna be friends!

"Obsession, obsession, obsession!" - Liz

Alex says: Alright, stop auditioning for the new Calvin Klein spot.

"Get me a Max" - Liz as Sean walks in

Alex says: Will you settle for a Brian Krakow?

"Just find yourself a lawyer" - Judge Papa Katims

Alex says : Am I smelling the return of Philip Evans?

"I'm not good with cars!" - Isabel

Alex says: Oh, right, 'cause she's a girl. ::rolls eyes::

"Don't touch that!" - Grant

Alex says: Thank you, MC Hammer.

"Maria's loser cousin Sean." - Michael

Alex says: Mr. Pot? Meet Mr. Kettle.

"It's a molehill." - Sheriff

Alex says: Well, don't make a mountain out of it.

"...two minors..." - Dan

Alex says: Um, didn't Isabel turn 18 earlier this season?

"I'm not kidding, Sean!" - Maria

Alex says: For the last time, his name is BRIAN!!

Honorary Alien of the Week

Let's go for the obvious - the buried girl with the dome on her head.

Moral of the Week

If you put a square glass box on your head, don't forget to hook up the oxygen tanks.

If someone else breaks Brian Krakow's heart, there will be hell to pay.

Did I hear Intergalactic (Planetary) Music?

Collective Soul

Fuel

Vallejo

Delerium

The

I Shoulda Stayed in Sweden

Episode

Thrift Store Clothing Count

7

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Michael opens a door

• Tess flunks Kyle in Trig

• Michael breaks the window

• Michael shows off his buff skeletal system by unlocking a file cabinet

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Stop looking for me!" - Laurie

Alex says: Stop hanging out in his closet! Duh!

"The sexual dysfunction unit is that way" - Tess to Michael

Alex says: Tess, you’re my kinda gal!

"Oh my God Alex, I missed you so much!" - Maria

Alex says: Hey, they do remember me!

"That’s a lot of slide carousels, Alex" - Isabel

Alex says: Well, it’s been MONTHS since I’ve had screen time, and I’m gonna monopolize every second they give me.

"That's Leanna. We have a long distance thing going" - Alex

Alex says: :)

"Frazier Woods. Something you have to see. M." - Michael's beeper message to Valenti

Alex says : Oh, come on! "M"? As in "Dial M for Murder"?

"So, how IS everybody here?" - Alex

Alex says: I’m only asking so that I can act like I completely don’t care, which I don’t, or at least I’m going to PRETEND that I don’t ‘cause no one pays any attention to me anyway, and . . .

"It was a "them"." - Laurie

Alex says: Is this a new version of the pronoun game?

"This doesn't feel right, digging through intimate details of these people's lives" - Isabel

Alex says: And you consider dreamwalking to be . . . ?

"No! No! [assorted screaming]" - Laurie reacting to Michael

Alex says: Well, that's a more accurate response to The Hair that we've seen so far.

"Liz, do you have an extension cord?" - Alex

Alex says : All I'm saying is that the Lizbot should come with one.

"Oh, um, Max . . . he needs you" - Maria

Alex says: the cue cards are over THERE, remember?

"We're friends plus" - Liz

Alex says : So then what are friends minus?

"Please don't rock the machine" sign on vending machine

Alex says: Heh, I guess the vending machine people are onto Max as well.

"***creaking sounds****" - Liz walking down the stairs

Alex says : Gee, I forgot to make an oil change on the Lizbot.

"Liz, you should get to see Sweden." - Max

Alex says: Geez, did the Swedish tourism council sponser this episode?

"They fired Sheriff Valenti." - Liz

Alex says: Then I guess he's just Mr. Valenti now.

"Sean." - Alex

"Alice." - Sean

Alex says: Oh that's clever, Krakow.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Rick James

Moral of the Week

Potato salads and clear skies equal good kisses

If you want someone to stop looking for you, hide in their closet

And the section making it's final appearance...

Did I Hear Intergalactic Planetary Music?

In honor of the music posters in the characters bedrooms:

• Sunny Day Real Estate (Max)

• Moby (Max)

• Sebadoh (Isabel)

Future poster suggestions:

• Promise Ring (Isabel)

• At The Drive In (Michael)

• Pedro the Lion (Max)

The

Disturbing Hair Behavior

Episode

The Jetta Takes a Beating Count:

Side mirror, visor, dashboard, etc.

The "I've Stepped into a Black Hole in Sweden" Victim Count:

6: Alex, Tess, Kyle, the Evans, the Parkers (who have been actually built a condo there, only showing up in Roswell to tell Mariachi Max to shut up)

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Michael blows up a car as a distraction

• Michael locks Laurie in the car

• Evil Jello shot starts wiggling and and moving on its own

• Isabel discovers the ejector seat button

• Brody was taken over by Larik

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Sick, man. This town is sick" - Maria about the couple in the hardware store

Alex says: No, I think you guys are. That's gross!

"I will hunt you down and kill you like the mangy dog you are." - Amy to Michael

Alex says: Oh so she's seen the hair.

"Parasites? That implies they need something to feed on." - Max

Alex says: Implies? Crack a book sometime Evans.

"You're 18." - Duff to Isabel

Alex says: Ok, she turned 18 in Surprise. Last week you called her a minor. Now she's 18 again. Is my head spinning? Cause it feels like it.

"Whoa" - Michael

Alex says : Was that a Keanu Reeves impersonation?

"Shouldn't my parents be here?" - Isabel

Alex: That's a good question we've pretty much been asking all season.

"You can sit down. You're not getting anywhere until I get my daughter back" - Amy

Alex says : Woo hoo! Finally! A responsible, caring, with a clue, resourceful parent on Roswell!

"I'm kind of in a dark place here, Kyle" - Valenti

Alex says : Maybe Kyle and Tess could give him a lamp

"Where do we go from here Max?" - Isabel

Alex says: Ah, Tess isn't in this scene so someone had to say that.

"Grandpa's in Tuscon Arizona." - Lori

Alex says: I smell a Jetta road trip!

"No, no, no. Now you’re hurting all of us." - Maria when Laurie smashes the CD player

Alex: Not if it's the Whits's: Best Of album in there.

"I thought you told me it was over between us" - Grant

Alex says : Am I the only who feels ripped off from one of those juicy off-screen conversations?

"I just wish you guys could just phone home" - Liz

Alex says : Nice "subtle" E.T. reference here!

"It's gotta come from whatever organ you have sitting in for your heart" - Maria telling Michael to 'connect' with Laurie

Alex says: I don't think she wants anything to do with THAT organ, especially if it reminds her of grandpa.

"Can we get some service, or what?" - Maria to waitress/waiter

Alex: Now you know what it feels like to be a customer at the Crashdown.

"I know my gift exists" - Isabel

Alex says : Ok, I'll shut up because I've already mentioned that "gift" too many times!

"I'm misunderstood" - Sean

Alex says: Brian always was. Poor guy.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Dennis Christopher (Laurie's uncle)

Moral of the Week

Rich people are scary.

Jello is not of this world (and it can kill you).

Armed with a pillow, even Brian Krakow can come close to "getting some"

The

Kyle & Alex Save the World

Episode

Jello Fatality Count

2: Carmen and Grant

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• The alien's powers fail to work on the evil coagulated jello (I think it was Tess's hat that was throwing them off)

• Evil crystals emerged from Grant's corpse and then The Matrix's mechanical bug got let out (or the crystal queen, your call)

• Michael killed the queen by sucking the oxygen out

• The jello turns to goo and covers Kyle and Alex

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Would you stop making phone calls?" - Michael

"It's official business." - Maria

Alex says: She's calling her agent.

"So the queen will be in the hive." - Isabel

Alex says: No, the queen will be in her trailer throwing a hissyfit.

"Got any cool powers to take care of him?" - Maria

Michael throws a rock

Alex says: That's about right

"Things I know. Two times two is four. Gato is Spanish for cat. My middle name is Ellis." - Grant

Alex says: You are a pedaphile who likes to hit on 18 year olds.

"Not every human is a candidate for hybridization. Their genetic structure has to be a....well, you would call it a flaw." - Larek

Alex says: Hmm, must be that "I must always dress like crap" flaw

"Let's say you want to create an alien/human hybrid" - Brody/Larek

Alex says: Translation : sex.

"Greetings, it's the team of Guerrin and DeLuca again." - Maria

Alex says: Now there's an opening act that would probably get boo-ed off the stage.

"Would you really want to step out of this cave if it meant going back to being just another dumb jock?" - Alex

Alex says : Woo hoo! I've waited all my junior and high school life to say that!

"I'm kind of a magnet for intergalactic trouble" - Michael

Alex says : Admitting your problem is the first step to recovery.

"Hard to read, lived in his own head." - Laurie about Grandpa

Alex says: ...Abused hair care products.

"Help me Isabel!" - Grant

Alex says: You're his only hope.

"Grant is the queen." - Isabel

Alex says: Huh, so I guess he was using Isabel to get to Max.

"Mary and Bobby are evil, they're E-vil." - Maria

Alex says: Like the fru-its of the dev-eee-l

"Our powers won't work on this!" - Max about destroying the crystals

Alex says: How about the shovel?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Weird Al Yankovic

Moral of the Week

Stuff dies without oxygen

People with money tend to get nervous when it's threatened.

The

Infamous Prom Episode

Episode

Awkward Plotline/Moment from Switching the Episode Order Count

5

Bonus Cleavage Count

Iz, Amy, Maria, Tess, half a dozen other ‘high-school’ girls. Liz, as usual, was nowhere to be seen.

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

None - at least obvious ones. Hint, hint.

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

It's April 27th and I'm Liz Parker. - Liz

Alex says: Here we go again.

For some reason Tess is the clearest. - Max

Alex says: Ahhh, hint, hint.

"I seriously want to know what the chicks are like" - Michael

"It's not that literal. They're just these images" - Max

Alex says : Hmm, does it mean that Antar is a misogynist paradise : mute chicks?

"And if you're asking about my spiritual journey, I'm touched" - Kyle

Alex says : Did Roma Downey, etc. do an offscreen job on you?

"Yes, I am" - Max

Alex says : Was that Max's coming out? Woo hoo!!

"I always pictured that moment, you know, walking in through those double doors together" - Liz

Alex says : Well, you still have the Crashdown's.

"Step, step, step, [...]" - Sean

Alex says : Step by step, oo oo baby...oops! Sorry! I won't do that again!

"Bet she's a firecracker in the sack" - Malamud about Tess

Alex says : Tell him about the firestarter.

"I feel like my whole life for the past year has been waiting for some really bad news" - Liz

Alex says : Is she talking about cancellation?

"You look sad" - Tess to Max

Alex says : Sad? Nah! That's his one and only expression!

"You've just always seemed really special" - Sean to Liz

Alex says: You're setting me up for a sulfur joke, aren't you?

I don't feed off another man's taco platter. - Sean to Liz

Alex says: I'm not sure exactly what that means but I think my response should be "ew".

What did it look like, feel like, smell like. - Tess

Alex says: ...Taste like.

What was I like? - Max

Alex says: You always spoke in monotone and had hair that constantly looked wet.

So, you could graduate? - Alex

You're the only person that knows that. - Isabel

Alex says: Well, the woman who told you probably has a vague idea.

"This is potentially one of the 5 greatest nights of my life" - Maria

Alex says: Well, some people loose their virginity at prom, and you look like you're getting married, so...what are the other 4 nights?

Me and you, we're a couple now. - Maria to Liz

Alex says: So that's how they're gonna get the ratings up.

The whole thing is just totally bogus, it’s totally unnatural - Michael

Alex says: the way they have us playing kids 10 years younger than we are? I agree.

Hey - Max

Oh, hey - Liz

Alex says: Does the WB own a copyright on that word or something?

When we kissed it was the first time I ever felt . . . - Sean

Alex says: Metal lips? The humming of her generator? An oil leak at her elbow?

I know we’re really gonna regret this - Liz

Alex says: Hey a third year of the show won’t totally destroy your career, maybe you’ll get a lead in a teen vampire/slasher movie.

Alex, I’m gonna do something I said I wasn’t gonna do - Isabel

Alex says: Go ahead, threaten me some more.

I asked you not to do that - Alex

Alex says: Hey, this reverse psychology can work pretty well.

It’s not quite liquid and not quite solid - Tess

Alex says: Like your makeup?

I don't know how to feel about it. - Max

Alex says: Well, read the words on the script page next to your line. They'll help you out.

Michael, I remember EVERYTHING - Max

Alex says: Including all the answers on the alien SAT tests? That might be useful.

"God! You are like, ubiquitous!" - Liz

Alex says: Oooo...big word for a small town

Honorary Alien of the Week

Juanita

Moral of the Week

The prom is a defining experience in one's life

Don't alter your prom dress so the stomach area is too tight and scrunches up every 5 seconds.

If you feel like you're suffocating, slide down a bowling lane.

If your heart is broken, go bowling.

Don't confuse your prom with your wedding.

In Memoriam of Alex Charles Whitman

Age: 17

Parents: unknown except his dad (referred to as "Pa" and possibly aka Chuck), briefly seen in Into the Woods, who didn't seem to be a camping man

Likes :

• orange soda

• the way Isabel looks in red

• raisinettes

• the Crashdown's green drink

• pancakes

Dislikes :

• being called "Al" or "Alice"

• being told by Isabel how a great friend he is

• Sean DeLuca

• dirty lenses

• the smell of formaldehyde in the morning

Hobbies :

• bass player for his band, the Whits which played at last year, Blind Date concert. They also recently burned a cd.

• computers and electronic stuff

• reading, watching movies

Trivia :

• he doesn't want to know about Liz and Maria's cramps (and neither do we)

• according to a test, he should consider psychology as his future profession

• while taking a psychology test, he said that he was the kid holding an umbrella for the other kids

• he's not too good at sports except for Dodgeball

• he saves Max's ass by giving up some blood to switch with Max's

• Isabel dreamwalked in one of his romantic dreams about her

• he owns a red bike

• he knows his rights

• he exposed Topolsky's as an FBI Agent by hacking in her email account

• he spent one night in jail with Liz

• he was the third human to find out the truth about the aliens

• he called his dad at the last minute to attend Fathers Camping Weekend to be near Isabel when she cancelled on him

• he almost got abducted by Pierce but was saved by Valenti

• he stripped at Isabel's surprise birthday party

• he went nuts when he realized Mrs. Evans saw one of his nipples

• he wore a thong during a full day

• he punched Michael when he broke Maria's heart

• was an exchange student in Sweden for a month

• he has a distance-relationship with Leanna who lives in Sweden

• snowboarded while in Sweden

• he found the crystals' nest

• while he got trapped with Kyle by the crystals, they sang "American Pie" to kill some time

• he was the first one to understand that the crystals were dying when they turned into jello

• a shower is all he needs after a done job

• he lost $3000 in one-shot blackjack

• he faked playing piano for Maria's singing stripper audition

• he went to the prom with Isabel

Relationships:

• Liz Parker

  • They're best friends (including Maria) and the three of them used to be inseparable

  • They became friends in 5th grade (when Liz noticed him) but they knew each other since 4th grade where they were both in Ms. Elmer's class

  • Liz comes to him with all her problems

  • he knows that the key of Liz's house is under the mat

  • he fixed Liz's answering machine when it got flooded with the calls of mysterious, dark-haired men from exotic locations

  • she told him the truth about the aliens the night they were stuck in jail together

  • she believes that he always comes through

  • he trusts Liz as much as his parents

  • he'll do anything for Liz

• Maria DeLuca

  • they're best friends since childhood where they were inseparable (including Liz)

  • Maria believes he's not a snitch

  • Maria doesn't like the way Alex and his band dresses

  • he confided in her after his strip experience

  • he was the first person Maria confided in about Michael and Courtney

  • he believes that "no one (should) treat Maria like crap"

• Isabel Evans

  • arguably his first girlfriend, and likely the most serious relationship he's had. They have kissed.

  • they stargazed during Fathers Camping Weekend

  • she rested her head on his shoulder a few times

  • according to Madam Vivian, he is her foundation

• Max Evans

  • friends

• Michael Guerin

  • Michael believes Alex is a good friend to Maria

Nicknames he received over the seasons:

• he's not James Bond

• B-Team

• good guy

• puppy in heat

• NYPD Blue

• Opie

• Alice

The

The Definition of Hegemonic Masculinity

Episode

Number of Times Liz Says "Sweden" Count

1047

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Bonus: Sean picks a lock

• Isabel burns a paper

• Isabel slams a guy into a locker (why couldn't it have been Max?)

• Michael clears the drain (cause, as this episode made painfully clear, a "self-sufficient" woman couldn't do it by herself)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

I The Stud. - Alex's password

Alex says: Are you sure it isn't SexyMan47?

"The infamous kiss." - Tess

Alex says: Infamous as in evil.

"Leanna is not Leanna." - the document

Alex says: Oops, I meant to type "Krakow is not Krakow"

"It's a 2-page yearbook spread, a collage that captures, you know, everything that Alex was" - Maria

Alex says : My whole life in 2 little pages? Should I feel offended?

"You can't look through his stuff for clues. It's immoral." - Maria

Alex says : All I'm gonna say is Agent Moss, Courtney, Meredith DuPree and Juanita.

Some people would say congratulations. - Isabel to Max

Alex says: Some people would ennunciate.

"Lately, I've been thinking I might have been wrong all along." - Michael

Alex says: About having Teen Wolf for a role model? I'd agree with that.

"We've only got a few hours here" - Liz

Alex says : To transform Max into a non-ass character? I wonder how they will pull that out.

"Maybe Liz is right" - Isabel

Alex says : So far, Liz has always been right...except for the curtain coat she's wearing.

"With what happened to Alex, I can understand putting the subject on hold. I couldn't deal with it, either. But now, I just - I can't help wondering where we are." - Tess

Alex says : I've just been dead for a few days and all she thinks about is sex?

"Isabel, If I have to, I will do everything in my power to keep you here. I will tell our parents that you have a drug problem. I will notify your teachers that you have cheated on every test for the last 3 years. If you ever leave Roswell without my consent, I will physically drag you back. For the last time, the answer is no. Period." - Max

Alex says : Folks, this is a clear example of abuse, verbal threat, blackmailing, intimidation, megalomania, power-trip and jackassness.

"You and me together, it scares me" - Max to Tess

Alex says : Hint, hint!

"I'm willing to forget about this, wipe the slate clean" - Max to Liz

Alex says : How about wiping your ass clean? I'm sure Tess would oblige...

"I'll take care of it." - Max about Liz

Alex says: I think Max needs to look up the term "hegemonic masculinity"

"I want to show you something." - Tess

Alex says: I bet you do.

"This is not Mr. Olson." - Some "Swedish" guy

Alex says: Nope, that was Auh-nold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be here for eternity." - Tess

Alex says: This moment brought to you by Calvin Klein.

I feel that if I follow that road I can never go back. - Max

Alex says: Well, you know what they say, 'when you go alien you never go back'."

I can never touch or feel/ and Earth just seems so real. - Max

Alex says: I like to rhyme about my home/ I like to rhyme when I write my poem...

It's like the alien mafia. - Isabel

Alex says: Heh, well, they have the hair for it.

If you ever leave Roswell without my concent I will physically bring you back. - Max

Alex says: Yikes, could you be more of a stalker? Creepy.

He never went to Sweden. - Liz

Alex says: So we can stop with the tourism board nonsense and the bad Swedish accents?

Honorary Alien of the Week

The Garbage Disposal

Moral of the Week

When women try to live their own lives on their own terms, watch how the men stomp all their dreams to pieces.

Hussies always win (especially if they have special powers)

Virgin male aliens can be experienced bra-removers.

The

Baby, It's Evil

Episode

It's About Time Someone Got Back At Max Count

5

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Isabel & Kyle live Kyle's #1 fantasy...or some of it

• Isabel & Kyle reveal Max's true yearbook photo

• The baby attempts to break out of the evil one's stomach

• Max connects with a spastic human fetus not one, but two times

• Max gets stuck to the floor (that's what happens when you kids don't put your gum in the trash!)

• Michael throws a 3D triangle through a window, and it promptly explodes Inspector Gadget style

• Isabel makes Robert Downey Jr's dream come true

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

We... things... something came up... between us. - Max

Alex says: Well, if you wanna get all literal. Also, ew.

I don't care about your morning after anxieties or your delicate feelings 'cause mine sure as hell don't matter to you. - Isabel

Alex says: Woo hoo! Go Isabel! Next up? The Burger King crown. Use it well.

"whitsbassist@yahoo.com" - Alex's email address

Alex says: Now don't all of you go flooding my email inbox at once.

He literally never left the dorm. - Maria

Not before sundown. - Dorm guy

Alex says: I know what you're thinking, but, wrong show, please try again.

JColeman, he mailed it to Leanna. - Liz

Alex says: Thank you for clearing that up badly dubbed voiceover.

"I wanna hold the hand inside you" - lyrics of the song when Max and Tess woke up naked

Alex says : Is that perfect timing?

Hey - Tess

Hey - Max

Alex says: Let’s give the writers a raise for that scintillating dialogue.

"Something sort of came up." - Tess

Alex says: and swam around, found an egg...

"What's inside her?" - Michael about Tess

Alex says: Green blood, uterus, ovaries, heart of stone...

"So, wait - if Alex never went to Sweden and he wasn't here, then where was he?" - Maria

Alex says : I've been missing pretty much all season and suddenly everybody wants to know where I was now that I'm dead?

You’re Liz Parker’s friend, right? - Computer dweeb

Alex says: Ah yes, the computer dweebs all adore Lizbot

Where ya goin’? - Michael

Santa Fe - Maria

Where ya GOIN’? - Michael

Alex says: Thank you, Rocky Balboa Discount Dialogue Outlet

Congratulation, Max, you lost your virginity - Isabel

Alex says: Hey, that’s always the best time to be on the losing side!

God, I hate this place, to think I’m gonna just rot here. - Isabel

Alex says: only if we get a third season

If I just had one-tenth your power - Kyle

Alex says: then you could bench press maybe 20 pounds?

"Oh!" - Isabel

"No!" - Kyle

"Oh! This may come as a surprise for you but I really don't need to see that" - Isabel

"Then bring a book. Let's go back" - Kyle

"No dice" - Isabel

"::sighs:: Well, that was good for me. What can we do for you?" - Kyle

Alex says : I'm wondering what any parent would deduce hearing this from another room...

"We could blow him off" - Kyle about Max

Alex says : Kyle, don't waste your time. His head is about to explode at any moment.

"Do you remember what happened the next day?" - Isabel referring to the guinea pig death

Alex says: Yea, Kyle lent him Mr. Squishles.

"Tess, did you kill Alex?" - Max

Alex says : I'm pretty sure she'll take the 5th on this one.

"What, alien herpes?" - Michael

Alex says : Hmmm, is Michael implying something here? I mean he knew that Max was a virgin...

"His majesty will now retire to his room" - Isabel about Max

Alex says : Not is room, his "throne"! What? That's the only place an ass should be!

Honorary Alien of the Week

The spastic fetus

Moral of the Week

Earth is hostile to alien babies

A royal pain in the ass is no better than a commoner one.

Real kings don’t kick trash cans. (Damn you, recycling! Damn yoooooouuuu!)

Snow makes death all better

Trash is the right place when you want to vent and cry.

Roswell : the town where windows equal doors.

The

Without Mustard, the Shrimp Toast is Basically Inedible

Episode

How Many Times Can Everyone Cry in One Episode?

9

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• The granilith eats a crystal

• Max trys to start a fire

• Maria gets flashes (among other things) from Michael

• Tess mindwarping Kyle

• Tess gets flash of Max & Liz kissing

• Bob dies

• Kyle has an eeeee-vil flashback

• Max opens the rock

• Max speeds up granilith

• Michael opens the rock (to leave)

• Tess gets trapped in Xanadu

• Tess goes buh-bye in the Wonkavator

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

Which, fortunately, I think I did [find a way home]. - Michael in intro

Alex says: You? You found a way home? Ok.

Everyone say their goodbyes. - Max

Alex says: Yup, we're moving to UPN.

I’ll take care of Leanna - Max

Alex says: Like you ‘took care’ of Tess? Your record on this kind of thing ain’t too good here, buddy

Thanks . . . Dad - Tess

Alex says: No, silly, MAX is the dad, remember?

I can contain the fire with my powers - Max

Alex says: Too bad you didn’t ‘contain the fire’ when you were with Tess. Or at least contain something else, hint, hint!

Your heart is your heart; your soul is your soul - Dead Alex

Alex says: Unless you’ve had some organ transplants you haven’t told me about

Some of these channels are awful. - Mrs. Evans

Alex says: One last dig at the WB huh?

"I prayed that wasn't the case, but it was." - Max

Alex says: Hasn't it been established that you're an atheist?

I wish this all could've been different. - Max to Liz

Alex says: So do we...

"I know how scary it is, to have to leave." - Alex

Alex says: But I'm baaaaaaaaaacccccccccccck!

"When we use it, it's gone" - Max

Alex says : Like the fans' trust?

"Everyone say your good-byes" - Max

Alex says : Good riddance!

"We spent the night together." - Max about Tess

Alex says: That's nice Max, why don't you just stomp on her heart now that you've torn it out?

"Liz, Tess is pregnant." - Max

Alex says: I wasn't being serious!

I don’t wanna get all weepy or anything - Kyle

Alex says: Too late - everyone else is drippy, you might as well join them.

"I'll get some more warm water" - Valenti to Tess

Alex says : Don't forget to add some arsenic or cyanide to it, ok? Aliens like "spicy" stuff, remember?

"What are you gonna do?" - Liz to Max

Alex says : Liz, take your spine back and get rid of that sentence. Replace it by : "Here's what you will do" because we all know that Max's brain isn't that bright and shiny.

"Back?" - Liz

Alex says: ...bone!

"How much time do we have?" - Post-nookie Maria

Alex says: I'm sure you have another 15 minutes.

It looks like I won’t graduate - Max

Alex says: Is this irony? ‘Cause if it’s not, you really gotta get yourself a sense of proportion, guy!

"I probably just would've zapped my blouse the way Isabel did it" - Liz

Alex says : You mean that Isabel's "gifts" have been "improved"?

"You can't leave before this is resolved" - Liz to Max

Alex says : Well, a major kick in the groin should get Max infertile. So, to avoid future "problems", I suggest you to do it now.

It's been an honor to know you Max. - Valenti

Alex says: Oh, sure, feed his ego a little more.

"What means the most to me..." - Michael

Alex says: Is how much you love watching Teen Wolf with me.

"I see you." - Michael

"I see you, too." - Maria

Alex says: But you don't see me! Cause I'm...dead.

"I was wrong about a lot." - Max to Liz

Alex says: You bet you were buddy, and don't think she's gonna forgive you too quickly!

Honorary Alien of the Week

Papa Evans - something's up with that desire for Spicy Mustard

Honorary HUMAN of the Week

Michael. Awwww.

Moral of the Week

Apparently there is an alien law that a blonde must say "What do we do now, Max?"

Don't jump into bed with someone because your heart is broken. Go eat a tub of ice cream instead

Hand tapping is a symptom of being mindwarped

Mirrors never lie

The

Everybody Looks Ugly in Sepia Tones

Episode

The Microseconds Before Liz Lost Her Backbone Count

62.7

The New Expressions for Max Count

3 - nauseated (as in, he looked nauseated throughout the episode), stunned bunny, and pouty.

The Things We Never Want To See Again Count

Liz in her underwear, Max in black trouser shorts and boxers, Papa Evans' chin scar, and Liz straddling Max.

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Max cuts the wall

• Max puts a crystal into the aluminum foil spaceship

• Max seals the wall

• Max melts the gun

• Max lights the pier (Blind Date ripoff #101)

• Isabel w/the bad wig heats some water

• Max finds another door

• Max opens the Quik Stop door

• Max opens another door (I'm sensing a theme here...)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

Keep! Your face! down!. - Liz

Alex says: Keep! Your! Sentences! Together!

I want to make your dreams come true. - Max to Liz

Alex says: Liz, stay strong, don't fall for this crap.

"You look amazing." - Max to Liz

Alex says : God! Have Felicity seen Max off-screen? What's next? Max wlaking on slo-mo? Or Max sending tape-letters to his son? Yuck!

Hurry, we've only got a few minutes - Liz

Alex says: I hate admit it, but somehow you got a whole new season. Go figure.

Don't be such a smart ass. - Guy (from utah) to Michael

Alex says: Oh, well, you might as well tell him not to breathe.

"Liz, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Isabel, Michael and I, we've lost our only way home. There's no way back. You're the only for me to - you're my only reason. I want to be with you." - Max

Alex says : Translation for player : See the mother of my child and my child are gone for now, I have no ride to get to them so in the meantime, I'll settle for you. You're the second best.

"Who are you?" - Mrs. Evans to Max

Alex says: Calvin Klein's latest example of "heroin chic"

What the hell are you doing in Utah? - Papa Parker

Alex says: cause they ran out of good places to go in Arizona?

"I suppose skinny dipping is against the rules" - Max

Alex says: You suppose right.

Forget everything, ignore everything. - Liz

Alex says: So sayeth the writers.

"If my mother ever finds out about this [skinny dipping], you are so dead." - Liz to Max

Max starting to drown

Alex says : That's about right.

"I have to contact my son." - Max

Alex says: Have you tried a phone?

"The other part is that I don't want you to slip away from me." - Liz to Max

Alex says: Why???

"Listen, this is what he does, ok? You, you,re not special. He does this to everyone. You are a little bit too desperate to see what is really going on here!" - Liz

Alex says : Liz, please follow your own advice. I think she's doing some projection here.

"I thought you were involved in drugs." - Mr. Evans

Alex says: Well, he looks like it.

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're just an incompetent criminal. - Agent Burns

Alex says: Nope, he's just an incompetent king.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The audience: with the stoopid shakey and pseudo-video effects and sepia tone film, we felt like we where on another planet.

Moral of the Week

Don't rob a convenience store in Utah

Stripping can almost kill you

Dump guys who jump in water with their socks on.

Listening to your cheating, lying, alien ex will only lead you to a jail sentence

The

Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Promotion

Episode

Number of Candles in Michael's Apartment

57

Number of Times "Snapple" Was Said

11

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Max wrote comic strip bubbles in the crashdown

• Michael broke into security building

• Michael brought down air duct

• Michael fixed the tape (man, that would be handy)

• Max took Liz hang-gliding (what, are they like E.T. now)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

I'm gonna do what I can to improve the work conditions. Michael

Alex says: Yeah, you're a regular revolutionary leading the workers of the world.

"Now I know you want to take that off" - Michael about the tie

Alex says: If it's a clip-on, is it really that uncomfortable?

"Tell me you're not dangerous, Max." - Papa Parker

Alex says : He's dangerous for our asshole tolerance level.

It's not fair to ruin someone's life over a few bottles of Snapple. Michael

Alex says: Ok, did Snapple sponsor this show?

I don't give a damn about your love. Mr. Parker to Max

Alex says: Damn straight!

"Yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. Smart move!" - Michael to Max

Alex says : I love it when somebody gives Max a reality check.

"This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life." - Michael

Alex says : So the Crashdown's fry cooking job is actually stimulating?

"I was just taking out the trash." - Liz as Max scampers off

Alex says: Be sure to leave him there this time!

I don't know whether to say thank you or tell you you're an idiot. Security guy to Michael

Alex says: I'd go with idiot, but that might just be me.

"Where should we start?" - Michael

Alex says : How about giving Liz her spine back?

"Are you wasted?" - Security guard to Bill...er Monk

"No! Maybe...Leave me alone." - Monk

Alex says: Well, his career shouldn't be, but Roswell is a first step in that direction.

"But the truth is one man can't watch everything." - Michael

Alex says : That's why some creative control should be taken away from Katims!

Honorary Alien of the Week

Bill Haverchuck!

Moral of the Week

Snapple, snapple, snapple (it's apparently the only word that exists)

Don't mess with Mr. Parker

Breaking and entering can be a profession

If you steal something and get fired from your job - no sweat! Just videotape your boss stealing something more expensive and blackmail away.

"Saving" other men when they are in trouble (ie. can't feed their families) is crucial to the god-like complex you have built around yourself.

A Chevelle can give you a access to a couch.

The

I Was A Teenage Alien Bride

Episode

Totally Disgusting and Unhygienic Michael Scenes

3

Manipulation of Molecular Structures

• Isabel dreamwalks Jesse

• ? Michael cheats at bowling ?

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

I go away for a couple of days and you're looking at wedding rings. - Alex

RATDG says: A couple of days?

"I can't promise about tomorrow." - Isabel to Jesse

Alex says : Is Isabel borrowing Michael's lines from last season now?

"We don't have a future." - Isabel to Jesse

Alex says : And now she's borrowing Liz's Season 2 lines. God, let's hope she won't borrow Tess' trademark question or Max's Season 2 verbal threats.

"I want to love you with the lights on" - Jesse

Alex says: Other than the literal interpretation, what the hell does that mean?

He was killed by that ridiculous jellyfish thing. - Isabel

Alex says: You thought the special effects were "special" too huh?

"What are you saving the world from? An alien invasion?" - Maria

Alex says: Well, they ARE allowed to miss school for that...

"So you're lurking now?" - Kyle

Alex says: On RAMS or....?

Would you please wash your sheets! - Maria to Michael

Alex says: Oh, ew.

"More like crashing." - Isabel about Max

"Crashing?" - Mr. Evans

Alex says: You know, like an alien

"So Max is living with Michael?" - Diane Evans

Alex says: Translation - they're not dating, right?

Can we just not talk about Max? Just for tonight, if that's possible? - Isabel

Alex says: Oh, you haven't been watching have you?

"No, I don't bend easily enough for her wishes." - Jesse

Alex says : Oh God! Can someone please remove that image from my head? Please?

"I'm an idiot..." - Maria to Michael

"I'm such an idiot." - Isabel to Jesse

Alex says : I'm sorry but, except for Liz's infatuation for Max's spawn quest, the males on the show (excluding Kyle, of course) are the idiots.

"You didn't ruin my life, Isabel. You made me alive." - Alex

Alex says : Yeah, that was the time when I was wearing roomy baggy pants for a practical reason and taking cold showers to clear up my "mind" after seeing Isabel.

"Cold?" - Jesse to Isabel

Alex says: Blow drying your hair might help.

Maybe you could write a new one [poem]. - Liz to Mr. Parker

Alex says: In a nifty journal? You could begin with "Hi, I'm Mr. Parker..."

Honorary Alien of the Week

Jesse - because his lips fit the "Big Alien Body Part" Theory

and Alex - because he's a ghost now and has special powers

Moral of the Week

When you need relationship advice, Dead Alex is there.

Even though you've stated that YOU don't want to get married, make sure to say "yes" to a proposal if your dead ex-boyfriend says it's ok

Guys can be really unhygienic

The

Teenage Alien Goes Hollywood

Episode

The Missing Count

we're working on it...

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Shapeshifter kills Joey

• Note from windshield disintegrates

• Max opens door two times

• Max lights projector

• Shapeshifter throws Max against a wall and lights a fire

• The static Kal caused on Max cell phone, disconnecting him

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

I'm not sure Disneyland counts as LA. - Max

Alex says: Yeah, 'cause isn't it in Anaheim, California?

It's two months salary. - Jesse

Alex says: But will it last forever?

Eventually they have to return to their base form. - Liz

Makes sense. - Max

Alex says: No it doesn't, their base form resembles the crashdown uniform (as we learned in previous seasons).

I want to be an actor. - Max

Alex says: Keep trying kid, some day you'll get it.

"But you think an alien killed him." - Liz to Max

Alex says : So Max is now considering aliens as suspects? Interesting - they actually learned something from a past plotline.

"I can do this on my own." - Max to Liz

Alex says : Good riddance, Max. Hello, Kyle!

"You just ruined the shot!" - Kyle to his father

Alex says : I thought it was established that EdR did.

"Turn that thing off!" - Jim Valenti

Alex says : Listen, people, tune in on Smallville instead.

"I'm not an actor." - Max

"What! And Keanu Reeves is?" - over the top agent

Alex says 2 : Is there a new form of discrimination in Hollywood? Keanuism?

"What's a clapper-loader?" - Max

Alex says : Oh, come on! You should know by now! That's the guy who dies on the job cause of the endless takes we have to go through while we all wait for you achieve a single emotion.

"I don't suppose you want to come up, you know?" - Bunny

Alex says : You should have said "Come to my window".

Honorary Alien of the Week

Jonathan Frakes

Moral of the Week

People from LA are wacky

Self referential in-jokes are funny

Max has a thing for ho's - or is it ho's have a thing for Max?

The

Max Realizes He Sucks

Episode

Max is a Brat Count

countless

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Kal halts the fire before it burns another crappy Hollywood film

• Kal throws Max upstairs

• Kal breaks the vase (hope his uncle wasn't in there)

• Max opens the door

• Kal shapeshifts into a really unimaginative alien

• Kal beams up and starts the ship

• Max opens the hangar

• Max closes the hangar

• Isabel kills two lights

• Michael blows up a light

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"You mated with another alien hybrid?" - Kal

Alex says: Well, that's one way to put it...

Why did you give me your phone? - Max

Alex says: 'Cause Nokia is apparently a sponser?

"I am NOT going to be the co-dependent girlfriend." - Liz

Alex says: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!? Do you ever analyze your actions?

"Don't be cute with me, you prick." - Kal to Max

Alex says : Woo hoo! You are my new hero! Can I get an autograph?

"So where were we?" - annoying wedding planner

Alex says : in the middle of the Evans kids are brats episode.

Give me some ice cream. - Max

Alex says: What are you, five?

"Why do you feel like you're above doorbells?" - Isabel to Michael

Alex says : Why don't you install one on your window? I'm sure it will be handy.

"You have human envy?" - Max to Kal

Alex says: Please Max, leave the Freudian analysis to me.

"He better be in a ditch somewhere." - Maria about Max

Alex says : Ditto that.

"Would you like to give me some?" - Max to Kal

Alex says : This homoerotic moment brought to you by Ben and Jerry's.

"How many Academy Awards have YOU won?" - Kal

Alex says: None, and I put $100 on never as well

"Liz, I know you've been here alone waiting for me and I - I was wrong." - Max

Alex says : Poetic justice would be that Liz could wait with Kyle whenever Max is running off again. Since they're both humans, therefore imaginative, I'm sure they'll find ways to spend some good quality and entertaining time together if you know what I mean...

Then date him, love him, you don't have to marry him. - Mrs. Evans

Alex says: Why am I having Party of Five flashbacks? Isabel's even getting Neve Cambell hair.

"I'll never leave you, Liz." - Max

Alex says : Oh, jeez. *rolling his eyes* Where's that Raid/generic insect repellent can when you need it? I have one word to say : P-A-R-A-S-I-T-E.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The Wedding Planner. She was straight up creepy.

Moral of the Week

Weddings are hard, they just are

Marriage is your "one chance to be happy" (Excuse me while I die laughing)

It's not easy being a shapeshifter

Max sucks (that can't be said enough)

Blowing off phone dates is unacceptable.

When things get painful, take it out on Michael.

The

Max and the Magic Steak

Episode

(episode title courtesy of rjsasko - thanks!)

"It's All for the Men" Stripper Count

5

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Isabel's dreams

• Michael's pool playing

• Max and the magic steak

• Isabel's implied dress alterations

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

...And don't call me 'Shirley'. - Kyle/Isabel

Neil Schweiber says: Hey, stop stealing my lines.

"So where are they?" - Isabel

Alex says : The fans? Watching Smallville or 24.

"I got all the time you need." - Kyle to Isabel

Alex says : Cause pretty much all your scenes are with Isabel?

God I hate cell phones. - Kyle

Alex says: You're sure it's not the people using them?

"What?!? Are you out of your mind?" - Isabel

Alex says : This is the weekly typical fan yelling at their tv.

"We gotta go do that thing we gotta..do." - Michael

Alex says: That Michael, what a wordsmith.

"Your best man?" - Max

"What do you say, Max?" - Jesse

Alex says : I think he's wondering if he wants to be bride or groom.

"Don't you think there's a reason that everybody keeps telling you the same thing?" - Max

Alex says : Earth to Jason Katims! This is a special broadcast for the writers : no spawn quest, no Tess return, get Liz's backbone back when Max is concerned, manage to transform Max into a likable character, get Michael some hygiene lessons, get Kyle more scenes, tone down Isabel and Max's screen time, get the couples more scenes together and get the humans more screen time.

"I'm in trouble." - Isabel

Alex says: I knew there was more to this wedding! You're pregnant aren't you?

"It just happened....things got out of control." - Max about breaking Jesse's nose

Alex says : Didn't he say the same thing about impregnanting Tess?

I'm catering Isabel's wedding. - Liz

Alex says: With what? Galaxy subs?

"I can explain." - Max

Alex says : Is he recycling Frank'n'Furter lines? I sure don't want to see Max wearing a corset, fishnets and high heels.

I was way out of line... - Max

Alex says: Huh, that suckiness realization from last week stuck.

I'm Max Evans, the best man. - Max

Alex says: And yet the ego lives on.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Khivar, Kivar, however you want to spell it.

Moral of the Week

It's ok to randomly use your powers in public when there's a possible enemy on the loose

Max is the best man (ick)

Dreams are real

Don't hustle drunk statisticians that are wearing Michael's first season wardrobe

A raw steak can heal a broken nose. (Question : what happens to vegetarians?)

When you wanna yell at people, do it on a cell phone.

Always test the groom's blood for green plant cells before getting married.

A wedding will always go well, if not as planned

The

Attack of the Stepford Wife

Episode

Isabel's Weird Outfit Count

3

Number of Times Isabel Avoiding Dealing With Reality

67

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Michael creates first-class airplane tickets out of bills (really!)

• Kivar food-poisons Jesse's drink

• Kivar possesses a poor clueless human

• Isabel locks and unlocks Jesse in the bathroom

• Kivar makes Isabel come outside against her will or Vilandra makes Isabel go outside against her will (you decide)

• Isabel transforms a candle into a pricy glass thing

• Michael makes a wheelbarrow on Jesse's feet

• Isabel is possessed by dead Vilandra and gets Sabretooth, magic evil Willow and that guy from Limp Bizkit's black eyes in the process

• Isabel cracks some rock

• Kivar makes Max and Michael fall on their asses

• Kivar makes a wormhole/"beam-me-up, Scotty" portal

• Isabel makes a branch fall on Jesse

• Kivar's alien essence goes back to Antar through the wormhole while clueless possessed human becomes de-possessed

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Kitchen." - Liz, handing Michael's dirty dishes

"I'm not washing all these." - Michael

"Go." - Liz

Michael goes to the kitchen

Alex says : You think we should thank Maria for Michael's new submissiveness?

"Your husbands quite a golfer." - Kivar

Alex says: And you're quite the LSD flashback.

"Spit it out." - Michael to Kyle

Alex says : Isabel cheated on her groom on their honeymoon but everything is all right....

"Somethings been happening for a while now that I don't quite understand." - Mr. Evans describing Max

Alex says: Yea, it's called puberty.

"We don't remember a lot." - Max

Alex says: Yeah, that must be why Max is rude to Liz on the phone when he promised her that he will never leave her and be more demonstrative toward her.

"Well, it all sounds pretty far-fetched to me." - Isabel

Alex says: Whatever, hybrid.

"I feel funny about this but could I speak to you for a minute?" - Philip

"Sure. Right now?" - Jeff

"Yeah. Er, in private." - Philip

"Yeah. Let's go in the back." - Jeff

Alex says : You think Max and Liz's fathers are having an affair?

"Jesse, are you coming out?" - Isabel

Alex says : Max is the bride after all.

"What if this is some wild goose chase?" - Michael

Alex says : Like the spawn quest?

She wants control, she wants him! - Isabel

Alex says: Isabel, have you ever read Sybil? Might be a good idea to put it on your wish list.

"Why is this happening to me?" - Isabel

Alex says : Because you're the new "star" of the show? Be careful. Look what they did to Max.

"It's a new mode of transit." - Kivar

Alex says: Ah, you got one of those hybrid cars?

You'll have plenty of time for your intense brooding moments with Liz later. - Michael

Alex says: Heh, but please don't make us watch that.

"See he got this girl pregnant..." - Isabel to Jesse

Alex says: Is this the Season 2 recap for that 1 viewer who came into the show mid-Season 3? How nice of you to do that for him/her!

"She's still inside of me." - Isabel about Vilandra

Alex says : Like in "Alien"? Or the dancing alien from Spaceballs?

"Jesse. Honeymoon. Focus. Focus." - Isabel

Alex says : Elena Tyler called. She wants her lines back.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The dancing one from Spaceballs. "Hello my baby, hello my honey...."

Moral of the Week

The human brain is smart.

You can cheat on your new groom on your honeymoon

Be sure to always realize that men save you, even if you just saved yourself.

Before getting nookie on your honeymoon from your alien bride, you will have to deal with lack of mood, sleep, bad appetizers, ex-stalking alien lovers, bathroom locks, the bride kissing another man, the bride's brothers looking for blood, excuses, a runaway bride and some physical pain.

The

Record Release

Episode

(aka The Shameless Music Plug Episode)

The "Finally, It's Not an Episode Centered On Isabel" Count

1

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Michael fries some eggs

• Michael became a Salad Shooter

• Michael blasted the sugar containers

• Michael trashed the car windows

• Michael broke the lamp

• Michael knocked stuff off the Crashdown shelf

• Michael dusted the flowers (now that was just goofy)

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Now how am I supposed to take that the wrong way?" - Maria to Billy's back-handed compliment

Alex says: I could count a few ways.

"The necklace I gave you when I thought I was leaving...I need it back." - Max to Liz

Alex says : Translation for viewers : Max is a cheap ass.

"Listen man, she's good, she's really good." - Billy

Alex says: That line paid for by Majandra's agent.

"Is this deep enough?" - Michael

"Almost." - Max

Alex says : Are they talking about the crap level on this show?

"They found the jeep." - Max

Alex says: So, if this was a great piece of evidence capable of exposing the aliens, why didn't they turn it into a rock or something?

"Something came up." - Max

Alex says: Does that always happen when you think of Tess?

"No, I can't. Not ever." - Max

Alex says : Get your head out of your ass?

"You know what? I don't care about your father or your stupid investigation!" - Michael to Max

Alex says : Amen!

"This floor is way to hard." - Isabel thinking about having sex on it

Alex says : You know, the shower seems more exciting than a hair-covered cold bathroom floor.

"How often does she mess around with it?" - Billy about Maria's music

Alex says: About as often as you mess around with practicing that accent.

Didn’t take it well? - Maria asking Liz about Phil’s strategy board

Alien death blah, blah, blah. - Liz

Alex says: One word: En-nun-ci-ate!

What happened to that girl? - Billy asking Maria as he points to a Season 1 picture of her.

She just grew up. - Maria

Alex says: Or she grew hair extensions

"What'd you do that for? You could have hurt me!" - Maria after Michael tosses the salad

Alex says: Yea, you might want to watch out for flying croutons. Those sting!

"I feel like I'm trapped and I'm never gonna get out." - Maria

Alex says : You think the characters will try to escape Katims' Roswell world? Hey guys, follow my voice! There's a life after Roswell.

"If you're trying to tell me you're bisexual or something..." - Michael

Alex says: Ah, so that's what that bed scene with Liz was about.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The guitar. Because it got the most votes.

Moral of the Week

Be true to the music, man.

Pink and grey bathrooms are a no-no.

Girls only cook Italian food for their lovers.

Tess is the source of all that is wrong with their world.

Pissed off aliens are dangerous to cars and sugar

Singing with an ex-boyfriend is worse than cheating

Michael is an idiot

The

Christmas Nazi Strikes Back

Episode

The "That Kid is not Autistic" Count

405

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Isabel creates a stocking

• Max tried to heal Samuel (dude, you're still not God, stop trying)

• Isabel dreamwalked Samuel and parents and gave them a happy Christmas show

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

He is, he's staring at me. - Max

Alex says: Maybe because you're staring at him.

All I know is I’m not getting any. - Michael to Max

Alex says: Can you say pig? I should have kicked his ass when I had the chance.

"Something made him talk to me. I have to find what that is." - Max

Alex says : Yeah, it's called a script.

"Move away! Stay away!" - Samuel's mon to Max

Alex says : Finally, an appropriate reaction to Max. ::sighs with relief::

You sit here with Max and I'll be right back. - Samuel's mom

Alex says: Yes, that's right, stay with the strange man who suddenly started stalking you.

You had his best interest at heart. - Samuel's dad

Alex says: Yup, using the kid to communicate with your alien son, definitely in his best interest.

Just walk in there. She’ll think it’s hot. - Michael to Max

Alex says: Since when did a) Michael started giving out advice about relationships and b) Max started listening?

I mean the creepfactor here is woo! - Kyle

Alex says: Tell me about it.

He said "Baskin-Robbins" - Samuel's dad

Alex says: I said "product placement."

You're my family. - Max

Alex says: Just to get this straight - Isabel's your home, Liz is your family...what kind of sicko are you?

"But tonight I am here for you." - Max to Samuel

Alex says : RUN!

Honorary Alien of the Week

The Christmas Snapple

Moral of the Week

Breaks-ups between Maria and Michael only last for half an episode

Hockey is a superior sport

Max is allowed to have a God complex during Christmas

Creepy behavior is ok when the show's lead is the perpetrator

Family is better than perfect (ok, fine that was kinda sweet)

Snapple is definitely a sponsor.

The

Unconventional Couples

Episode

Enigma Utterations Count

2002

Number of Cast Members that Have Played Music On Their Own Show Count

3

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Isabel lit candles & started the music

• Isabel repainted the viper and changed it back

• Max turns water into wine...well, beer

• Michael freaked out from the beer and becomes a glowstick, among other things

• Michael turns into a CB/police scanner

• Max tried his special alien hangover cure

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Thank you so much for this, Max. I should have never doubted you." - Maria

"No problem." - Max

Alex says: What did Max do exactly? Maria found all the clues. Did I miss something?

It's just sex and drugs and whatever's passing for rock and roll these days. - Kyle

Alex says: Why don't you check the end of the episode for the lineup?

"Kyle needs a girl, badly." - Kyle to Buddha

Alex says: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Buddhism teaches celibacy.

"Kyle Valenti. This is your lucky night." - Isabel

Alex says : Yup, finding out you're in love with her while she's married and your close friend...join the club, buddy!

Never leave me alone on New Year’s. Ever. - Isabel to Jesse.

Alex says: Because apparently it’s turns her into a pimp.

"I'm a man on a mission : sex or death." - Kyle

Alex says : You mean I had a choice? I knew I got screwed!

"No, I'd feel like a third wheel." - Max about joining Maria and Michael on Enigma chase

Alex says : How about the bumper? I know a Jetta that would love to smash into it.

Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to runnnnn... - Kyle and Isabel

Alex says: Know when to write it, know when to reuse it, know when it sucks.

"Look, women want an Alpha man, you know?" - Isabel to Kyle

Alex says : Is that what Felicity and Julie were calling an A-list guy?

How much do you love me? - Isabel to Kyle

Alex says: Okay, what kind of married woman asks her non-husband this question?

The Kit-Shickers. I know it sounds bad, but it’s really not. - Liz to movie lady.

Alex says: Yes, it is.

I hope those bastards can sing. - Movie lady

Alex says: No such luck. And they don’t know how to dress either.

"Ok, but tell me you're not just some guy with a fat buddha statue who prays to get laid on Friday night." - Bitsy to Kyle

Alex says : No, he does that on Mondays. By the way, why do we need to be reminded every time Buddha is mentioned that he is fat?

"Remember the movie thing?" - Old lady Jane

Alex says: Actually, no. That scene must be lying on the cutting room floor, along with most of the footage of me.

But then the alien invasion happened and my whole social started to suck. - Kyle

Alex says: Yes, the aliens to have the power to make things suck. Just call them the Hoovers.

"I swear I've seen you before." - Random girl at party to Max

Alex says: It must have been on the "Most in Need of a Shave" poster

Bingo! - movie lady

Alex says: Yes, let's get all the old folks stereotypes covered.

"She's a nihilist." - Isabel

Alex says: Good thing community college is teaching you how to pronounce that right.

"Let's walk back to the car like we haven't found a thing." - Maria

Alex says: Why? That means less people will be at the party and what's the point of attending a party that nobody goes to?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Ridiculous Crashdown menu clue that only a waitress that works there would get!

Moral of the Week

Drinking alcohol will make you think you're on fire.

Never leave your new bride alone cause she always finds another guy.

If you can't be with your loved one at midnight on New Years, settle for phone sex.

Kyle's a sweetie and apparently the new Alex

Maria and Max are fun to watch when they remember they're friends

Temporal shifting occasionally works (even on Roswell)

The

Everybody Has Bad Hair

Episode

Annoying Laugh Track Count

113

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

- Max and Michael play decorators

- Isabel cleans up the kitchen

- Isabel makes food fly with very visible wire

- Isabel repairs a carburator

- Max and Michael tv-duel

- Isabel cleans up the living room

- Max turns Eric into a dog and turns him back into a human

- Michael's super eagle

- Isabel turns a butcher's knife into flowers that make Max's eyelashes wave at the camera

- Michael bends trees to clear the way for a golf shot

- Michael fries Eric's laptop

- the alien saucer

- Isabel brings twin beds together for a little of loving

- Isabel turns Eric into a cuckatoo/parrot?

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"It's like 'I Dream of Jennie' for the new millenium." - Eric

Alex says: Oh the irony...

"It's the whole Maria thing. Ever since they broke up, he's been getting into the tube. It's getting pathetic." - Max about Michael

Alex says : And going to the Crashdown with your sister to see Liz is not pathetic?

"Sorry. Sorry. Forgot something?" - Isabel

"Yeah, my balls." - Jesse

Michael and Max laugh

Alex says : This all male bonding moment brought to you by Golf, the sport all males should be addicted to.

Yeah, [the world] revolves around Michael. - Max

That's a fact. - Michael

Alex says: If by "fact" you mean "delusion of grandeur" then sure!

"Samantha takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made a suffer for it in an uncaring, secular world. She's a modern day Athena." - Michael about Bewitched's Samantha

Alex says : Athena? Wasn't she the goddess of wisdom? Someone got his Greek gods all mix up!

"So what are you doing here?" - Isabel to Eric

Alex says : He's the week plot device.

You must be something out of the ordinary. - Reporter

Alex says: You mean like something... out of this world? Oh I kill me. Wait I'm already dead.

Are we playing for money or what? Michael

Alex says: Are you a roadie for Metallica or what?

"You go for one joyride and they never let you forget about it." - Max

Alex says : So sayeth the writers (and critical fans) regarding Spot.

I'm here with my SISTER. - Max

Alex: Yeah, like we really believe she's your sister.

"Turn off the light. I feel stupid in the light." - Jesse

"Uh, but in the dark, it's ok to think that you're married to a witch?" - Isabel

"Yes." - Jesse

Alex says : I thought he wanted to love Isabel with the light on? I'm all confused now.

Honorary Alien of the Week

Whoever (in Fan Forum) said that Max looked like he was doing a Mentos commercial in this pic:

Moral of the Week

If there's a laughtrack then it must be funny

Keeping alien secrets is hard (not that this is new, but it's certainly being stressed a whole lot, again, some more, indefinitely...)

Reporters are evil (and wear funny hats)

Sentimental gifts lead to good night kisses which lead to sex

Sitcoms are nice and neat, real life is complicated

The

Liz is really HOT

Episode

Get it - Hot? Cause she caught stuff on fire? Oh...nevermind.

Number of Cast Members Who Need to Wash Their Hair REALLY Bad

3

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Liz melted a plate

• Liz's face disappears

• Doctor w/sideways glasses warps

• Liz messes with the radio

• Liz drops LSD and tries to talk to Maria

• Liz turns into Hitler and burns some books

• Max puts out the fire

• Max knocks away Michael's shovel (that's it kids! No more sandbox today!)

• Liz drops somemore LSD and tries to attend a Harvard interview

• Liz's skin flashes (a lot)

• Max turns Liz into an electricity globe

• Max dries slobber from Liz’s shirt

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Where's everybody else?" - Liz

Alex says : For once, lost fans are tuning back on the show since Liz is finally getting a backbone and not being a codependent twit with Max. Katims, do you get the message?

"What's wrong?" - Max

"Nothing. I think I'm coming down with something." - Liz

Alex says : Yup, it's called a backbone and self-respect.

"Maybe it's mono." - Max

Alex says: Maybe it's you.

"Sweetie, you got more brains and talent in your little finger than all the kids have in Roswell in their entire bodies." - Jeff's pep speech to Liz

"Maria...you have more talent in your little finger than anyone else in this town." - Liz's pep speech to Maria

Alex says : It looks like pep speeches run into the Parker family.

“I gotta wash my eyes.” Kyle

Alex says: May want to poke ‘em out while your at it. I just saw Maria shimmy down you dad’s side. Ew.

"Are you sexually active, Liz?" - Doctor with crazy glasses

"No!" - Liz

Alex says : Of course, not. She's the Donna of the show (besides me but I can still mess up Isabel's dreams. Don't tell anyone.)

"And there's a possibility that you may catch something even from someone you love." Dr. Frank to Liz

Alex says : Like codepency?

“Buddha take me away.” Kyle

Alex: Calgon must be on vacation.

“I have a Lean Cuisine to heat up.” Michael to Maria

Alex: Can’t these advertisers buy commercials like everyone else? Must we suffer through horrid product placement?

"I'm scared to tell him." - Liz about Max

"Why? He's the one you go to for everything." - Kyle

Alex says: Well, actually, that used to be me & Maria. And it sure looks like Kyle is now the Dear Abby of Roswell. And where's Sean? Did Max stow him away on the granolith maybe? Kyle, exactly who goes to Max for what?

"Harvard's been your dream since you were 6." - Mr. Parker

Alex says: ::incredulous:: Since when? It might mean something if you bothered to mention it before now.

"Kyle, I think I'm changing." - Liz

Alex says: Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

"You healed me and now I'm different." - Liz

Alex says: Yes, it took 2 and a half years but there are consequences on this show.

"They want to turn me into some bubblegum pop princess." - Maria

Alex says: Turn you into? Maria, hon, don't set 'em up like that if you don't want me to knock 'em down.

"I'm not gonna be the guy you blame for ruining your life." - Michael

Alex sasy: Yeah, ruin your life over some other idiot. A more worthy idiot if you will. With good hair.

"It's what made me fall in love with him." - Liz

"Me too." - Kyle

Alex says: BWHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.

"Suddenly my life is like, a life." - Maria, after clearing up her alien infection

Alex says: Funny, Liz had the opposite feeling in Season One.

"You look nice." - Sheriff to Maria

Alex says: More like, 'you look goth'

"It was a spontaneous thing. You were feeling good. I was feeling good." - Maria to Michael about them having sex

Alex says : Hey Maria, I'm feeling good, do you?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Your high school PE teacher.

Moral of the Week

Max is the cause of all pain

When you are feeling good and so does your friend, you can have sex.

Record execs will try to ruin your music (it's all about the music, man!)

The

Finally The Bastard's Dead!

Episode

Body Count

2

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Liz goes electric and bends the phone

• Michael opens door #5468

• Max gets Valenti unhandcuffed or something

• Max throws back the shooters

• Max heals Valenti (is he gonna fall in love with him too now?)

• Max worked his voo doo on Morgan's honey and aged himself a whole lot, then torched the place, and dusted (so he IS a vampire, we knew he was an emotional vampire now we have evidence that he is/was an actual demon as well)

• Max disintegrates

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Yea, I spent it on myself." - Monk about his Valentine's Day money

Alex says: Liar, you have Maureen hidden in Sector 5.

"And Mr. Pile stayed behind." - Old Navy Lady

Alex says: Monk Pile? His name is MONK PILE?!?!? It sounds like a hemroid cream!

Spending a week on a cramped smelly bus was the one of the most liberating experiences in my entire life. - Liz

Alex says: Yep, Liz has a thing for sulfur smell after all...

"It was like coming home." - Liz to Maria about Winnaman Academy

"I feel like I've come home." - Maria to Liz about NYC

Alex says : Awww...finally, someone knows what a home is...sigh...I bet my girls will be home-less pretty soon since King Dick died.

"I'm telling you there's some crashed alien spaceship in there, and they're using reverse engineering to steal all their cool technology. Like, where do you think remote controls came from? Or microwave ovens? Or cell phones?" - Monk

Alex says: Reality check: the aliens use humans as cell phones.

"But there's like all this stuff that you don't even know about." - Liz to Eileen

Dead Max says to Alex: Hey, don't look at me--it was my Future Self that knew about it.

Alex snidely says: Yeah, right.

"Now, some of the girls like to drink straight from the bottle, but personally, I think a flask has a little more class, don't you?" - Eileen

Alex says : Kyle, we just found your new girlfriend.

I think this is supposed to be my room. Liz

Alex says: I *think* a Harvard candidate should know that.

"Screw guys who cheat!" - Eileen

Alex says : Hmmm...you mean you want to screw guys who screwed someone else?

Dead Max with a grin says: Right on!

Just you, The Healer. - Morgan to Max

Alex says: You know, as WWF names go, that's pretty lame.

"Michael calm down. You're going to have to bring me up to speed." - Valenti

Alex says: And lay off the speed!

I can't save someone from a natural death. - Max

Alex says: Huh? Oh wait, Grandma Claudia, yay continuity.

"I'm gonna go on a ski trip this weekend." - Liz

Alex says: One day and you're a bona fide boarding school prep.

"I was thrown against the car and cuffed and everything" - Liz

Alex says: You sound like you liked that a little too much Liz.

"I can't believe you're even with him." - Roommate about Max

Alex says: Give this girl a regular cast spot!

"That's no excuse to kill someone in cold blood." Max to Morgan

Alex says : So Max, is this your opinion about Tess killing me?

Max is dead." - Liz

Alex says : Who cares? Bill died!

"That's Liz's dress." - Michael

Alex says: The one from eBay?

Honorary Alien of the Week

Crusty Max

Moral of the Week

Just be yourself and we'll get along fine.

When the alien you love dies, you'll know

Morgan Fairchild is evil (she killed Bill, you don't just forgive something like that)

Jesse is an appendix (as in, he serves no purpose and no one knows why he's there)

Valenti is always gonna be the sheriff

Max is a vampire (see above re: powers)

No chick is worth cutting yourself while smashing a window.

To liberate yourself, spend a week on a bus.

For those attending a boarding school, be sure to break the rules within minutes of your arrival.

Drinking from a flask is classier.

Alcohol is the way to deal with your codependency.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. [That one applies in "real" life]

Who cares about technically?

The

Omen V: The Return

Episode

Dead Army Men Count

16 + a nuclear bomb's worth

Alien Funny Business

(formerly Manipulation of Molecular Structures)

• Tess kills a bunch of people

• Max shuts the door

• Liz flips Tess 2 times

• Tess mindwarps

• Tess blows up the base

• Max gives Zan a "memory"

Tell Me About It...Alex's Psychological Analysis

"Any sign of a door or cockpit?" - Army guy

Alex says: Anyone else having Flight of the Navigator flashbacks?

"He won't come up" - Liz about her dad

Alex says: But someone else might if you keep making out.

"It's my son." - Max

Alex says option 1: Dressed in true Tess style - a trash bag.

Alex says option 2: No duh, as if it's huge ass head wasn't a big enough hint.

"I can't believe I ever cared about you." - Max

Alex says: I wish you'd figured that out a year ago! Maybe I'd still be alive. :P

"We just haven't found it yet." - Random scientist

Alex says : What? Some real inspiring satisfaction watching this show?

"You've got the Parkers but we're not here. Leave a message." - Answering machine on Liz's night table

Alex says : Why would the family's answering machine be in Liz's room? Just asking...

"Can't you breast feed?" - Kyle

Alex says: Nope. She can take life, but she can't give it.

"So the baby isn't linked to you?" - Max

Alex says: I think that was a little obvious when she said it was linked to both of you, and hello Mr. Genius - You've already died before!!!

"I don't believe you." - Max to Tess

Alex says : It's about freaking time!

"The only way to ensure his safety is to give him up." - Max

Alex says: Someone's been taking tips from the X-Files. Is Max going to dye his hair red and change his name to Dana now?

"Max can take care of himself" - Jesse

Alex says : Bwahahaha. All I'm gonna say is Tess, Spot, Utah, Langley, Kivar, Samuel, Michael's couch, a pile of ashes in Meta-Chem...

"You’ve been staring at that thing for hours." Max to Michael referring to alien probe

Alex says: Freud would say it represents something you lack, Michael.

"What are you doing here?" - Kyle

"Ask one of them. I'm sick of explaining." - Tess

Alex says : Well, you just told Max so far...or is it because dense Max has exhausted you? Or are you having troubles keeping track of all your lies?

"You brainwashed me into carrying Alex's dead body." - Kyle

Alex says : Just saying that my name had never been mentioned that many times in an episode before...

"I was raised by a killer, Kyle. A sick and twisted man-" - Tess

Alex says : Didn't he die two years ago? Just saying that Tess had the chance to tell Kivar to go to hell anytime after Nasedo's death...but she didn't when there was no one to force her to anymore.

"Max loves you. Every time we were together, every time we kissed, he was thinking of you. He had these flashes that I saw and they were always of you" - Tess to Liz

Alex says : The writers have reached a new low...hmm...didn't Michael explain last season, that the aliens have control of the flashes they send? Does that mean that Max intentionally sent images of Liz while he was doing Tess? Yuck!

"Have you been body-snatched or something?" Michael to Max

Alex says: Huh, that would explain a lot.

"I'm here. I'll always be here." - Liz to Max

Alex says : That's not a good sign since Tess's "eternity" lasted a few episodes

What should I do with this thing?" Michael about alien probe

Alex says: Avoid your sick subconscious urges at all cost. I don’t want to hurl.

"I can’t believe you spied on me." Isabel to her parents

Alex says: Where have you been the last couple of months?

"Max, what is it?" Phil to Max

Alex says: Geez, it’s a baby.

"Where do you think Tess has been all this time?" Phil to Diane

Alex says: My guess is the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) unemployment line.

"Tess, you are not here." Michael

"Michael, no!" Max

"Max, get out of the way."

Alex says: Yeah, Max, get out of the way!

"So, you were the one that crashed in the desert." Michael

"You were always a quick one, Guerin." Tess

Tess flies through air.

Alex says: Nah, I think your petite body is a lot quicker while flying through the air.

"Get up, bitch" Liz, her hand all aglow

Alex says: Now I’ll be avenged. You go, girl!

"This doesn’t make any sense, Isabel." Phil

Alex says: I’ve been saying that since Season 2.

"Forgive Max or get him out of your life." Maria to Liz

Alex says: You know my vote.

"Another lie?" Max to Tess

Alex says: Duh. You say that like you’re surprised.

"It will never be over." Max

Alex says: Not according to UPN.

"What was that?" Diane

"Just a memory." Max

Alex says: Just like this show will be soon.

Honorary Alien of the Week

The Alien Probe

Moral of the Week

You should always keep guns in every possible place in the house.

A family dinner is an emergency.

Obsession isn’t always a bad thing.

Protecting your child is a good excuse for murdering 16 people.