These are a list of things you can learn from Roswell that were originally hosted on the site ‘Roswell’s Alienated Terrestrial Dwellers Gathering’ or RATDG. (I was not able to contact anyone from the RATDG site to ask permission, so if anyone from the site wants me to take these down, just let me know.) |
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• Boss-employee relationships : - Before you kill your ex-boss, make sure he’s an evil alien from another planet - If you steal something and get fired from your job - no sweat! Just videotape your boss stealing something more expensive and blackmail away • Love relationships : - If you set the one you love free, they’ll fall for someone else - Breaking up is hard to do, real hard - Even if you save your true love’s life, you should still lie about sleeping with your ex-boyfriend - Potato salads and clear skies equal good kisses - Armed with a pillow, even Brian Krakow can come close to "getting some" - If your heart is broken, go bowling - Hussies always win (especially if they have special powers) - Don’t jump into bed with someone because your heart is broken. Go eat a tub of ice cream instead. - Dump guys who jump in water with their socks on - When you need relationship advice, Dead Alex is there - Even though you’ve stated that YOU don’t want to get married, make sure to say "yes" to a proposal if you dead ex-boyfriend says it’s ok - Marriage is your "one chance to be happy" (excuse us while we die laughing) - Blowing off phone dates is unacceptable - Singing with an ex-boyfriend is worse than cheating - If you can’t be with your loved one at midnight on New Years, settle for phone sex - Sentimental gifts lead to good night kisses which lead to sex - When you are feeling good and so does your friend, you can have sex - No chick is worth cutting yourself while smashing a window - Once a cheater, always a cheater (The only one applying to "real" life) - Who cares about technically? - You have to kill the one you love to be free - Screwing blue-eyed blonde bimbos doesn’t count. The "love of your life" will still save your ass in the end • Basic human relationships or social etiquette : - Don’t do stipteases in front of your friends’s parents - Be nice to people. You might have 4 more unknown brothers and/or sisters - Always tell people how you really feel about them before an evil alien makes them disappear - If your best friend’s ex-boyfriends is dressed like a retard and tries to make out with you, it’s ok to laugh it off and not tell anyone - Trash is the right place when you want to vent and cry - "Saving" other men when they are in trouble (ie. Can’t feed their families) is crucial to the god-like complex you have built around yourself. - When you wanna hell at people, do it on a cell phone. - Family is better than perfect (ok, fine that was kinda sweet) - Just be yourself and we’ll get along fine - Drinking from a flask is classier - If someone’s in therapy that means they are upset • Alien relationships : - When an alien guy tells you there’s nothing between him and a girl, don’t believe him (Michael about Courtney and Max about Liz in s1) - Aliens or not, boys will be boys : peeking at women half-dressed - Alien males do ass-checks just like human males (very end of 2.15) - Virgin male aliens can be experienced bra-removers - Apparently there is an alien law that a blonde must say : "What do we do now, Max?" - Listening to your cheating, lying alien ex-boyfriend will only lead you to a jail sentence - It’s no easy being a shapeshifter - Before getting nookie on your honeymoon from your alien bride, you will have to deal with : lack of mood, sleep, bad appetizers, ex-stalking alien lovers, bathrooms locks, the bride kissing another man, the bride’s brothers looking for blood, excuses, a runaway bride and some physical pain. - Pissed off aliens are dangerous to cars and sugar - Keeping alien secrets is hard (not that this is new, but it’s certainly being stressed a whole lot, again, some more, indefinitely...) - When the alien you love dies, you’ll know - A kiss from your alien bride brings cocooning to a whole new level - If your wife is an alien, smoke a cigar • Royal etiquette : - Real kings don’t kick trash cans (Damn you, recycling! Damn yooooouuu!) - When one king dies, another rises (so they’re like slayers, or cockroaches) • Social justice : - Even if you live in the sewers, you can still have a Power Mac G4 Cube with a flat-screen - Rich people are scary - People with money tend to get nervous when it’s threatened - A royal pain in the ass is no better than a commoner one • Social injustice : - 3rd grade cafeterias don’t accept food stamps or lip from "welfare punks" - If you’re in the main credits and your name doesn’t end in "Hanks", you are invincible • Girls : - Girls like bumpers, but they also like pearls - If a blonde girl enters your life, something is bound to happen - Girls only cook Italian food for their lovers - Never leave your new bride alone cause she always finds another guy • Boys : - Guys can be really unhygienic - In Roswell, males are eager to listen to your problems • Safety : - If you put a square glass box on your head, don’t forget to hook up the oxygen tanks - If you want someone to stop looking for you, hide in their closet - Jello is not of this world (and it can kill you) - If someone dies and aliens are within in 10 miles radius, you can bet they had something to do with it - Hand tapping is a symptom of being mindwarped - Don’t rob a convenience store in Utah - Stripping can almost kill you - Don’t hustle drunk statisticians that are wearing Michael’s first season wardrobe - Always test the groom’s blood for green plant cells before getting married - Drinking alcohol will make you think you’re on fire - Reporters are evil (and wear funny hats) - Record execs will try to ruin your music (it’s all about the music, man!) - Morgan Fairchild is evil (she killed Bill, you don’t just forgive something like that) - Therapists are dangerous - All characters will shoot or be shot by the end of the series - After you get married, don’t sleep at home because your parents will videotape you - You should always keep guns in every possible place in the house - Don’t mess with Mr. Parker - Tess is the source of all that is wrong with their world • Biology : - Dead bodies bust if you touch them - Stuff dies without oxygen - The human brain is smart (contrarily to the alien one) • Ethics : - You can miss school to save a planet - It’s ok to randomly use your powers in public when there’s a possible enemy on the loose - You can cheat on your new groom on your honeymoon - Be true to the music, man - Creepy behavior is ok when the show’s lead is the perpetrator - It’s ok if you lie, it’s not ok if you’re good at it - The family that slays together, stays together - Aliens kill, humans kill, we all kill • Human rituals : - The Prom is a defining experience in one’s life - Weddings are hard, they just are - A wedding will always go well, if not as planned • Fashion flair : - Don’t alter yout prom dress so the stomach area is too tight and scrunches up every 5 seconds - Don’t confuse your prom with your wedding - When attending a funeral, dress like the mafia - Pink and grey bathrooms are a no-no • Good to know : - If you feel like you’re suffocating, slide down a bowling lane - Roswell : the town where windows equal doors - Being held hostage by your friend while he’s tripping out on his alien memories can easily slip your mind, as it is so inconsequential - If you mindwarp people into forgetting things, they will also forget to ask how they magically went from one place to another - Mirrors never lie - Breaking and entering can be a profession - A Chevelle can give you access to a couch - People from L.A. are wacky - Self-referential jokes are funny - A raw steak can heal a broken nose - Hockey is a superior sport - Snapple is definitely a sponsor - Temporal shifting occasionally work (even on Roswell) - If there’s a laughtrack then it must be funny - Sitcoms are nice and neat, real life is complicated - To liberate yourself, spend a week on a bus - For those attending boarding schools, be sure to break the rules within minutes of your arrival - Alcohol just isn’t the answer - Lies catch up with people and bring them down - The Chevelle is dirty - Protecting your child is a good excuse for murdering 16 people - Obsession isn’t always a bad thing - A Family dinner is an emergency - Michael is an idiot - Break-ups between Maria and Michael only last for half an episode - Kyle’s a sweetie and apparently the new Alex - Maria and Max are fun to watch when they remember they’re friends - Jesse is an appendix (as in, he serves no purpose and no one knows why he’s there) - Valenti is always gonne be the sheriff • Speech etiquette : - Thank and You should always be pronounced in separate, fragmented sentences • Women-men relationships : - When women try to live their own lives on their own terms, watch how the men stomp all their dreams to pieces - Be sure to always realize that men save you, even if you just saved yourself • Miracle solution : - Snow makes death all better - Snapple, Snapple, Snapple (it’s apparently the only word that exists) - When things get painful, take it out on Michael - Alcohol is the way to deal with your codependency • Max (he irritated the shit out of us so much that he gets his own section) : - Max has a thing for ho’s - or is it ho’s have a thing for Max? - Max sucks (that can’t be said enough) - Max is the best man (ick) - Max is allowed to have a God complex during Christmas - Max is the cause of all pain - Max is a vampire - Max will never die - Only Max can wear the Virgin symbol - Even the home planet wants Max out of the picture More Morals from Jade Jaguar • You can always find lingerie in the top drawer • All break-ups hurt • It’s always the drummer’s fault. • Everybody’s got red sneakers • "It's gonna help me find my home planet" is one of the top 3 seduction lines in history • You never know who’s gonna turn out to be your friend or your enemy • Before you can expect someone to trust you, you gotta trust them first • Consultant is just a fancy word for spy • Accidents happen • Families can be hard • You are what you choose to be • Playing hard to get is a classic move. She ignores you, thinking it will make you crazy and force you to go to her • Secret government action is not tolerated in this country at least not once the press gets hold of it • Great leaders follow their hearts • Drinking and shredding is common in Washington • The girls from a guy’s past are the worst kind • Guys don’t make cake • History always repeats itself • Phone protocol : messenger is called back unless messengee is deathly ill, grounded or just a jerk • In the U.S. Army, someone is always in charge • When you’re lacking in other assets, you’ve got to trump up the one you’ve got • Think of old people as living history • You can run fast but time always has a way of catching up • If you meet someone who owns countless body lotion bottles, there’s a good chance they’re aliens • It’s hard to run with your pants around your ankles • Michael Guerin’s girlfriends need to carry a whole pharmacy on themselves to survive him • To save your ass from evil aliens, hide in the bathroom • First rule of war : keep your big mouth shut • Living in Roswell teaches you that anything can happen • When Michael thinks it’s bad then it’s the right thing to do • Living in the Sewers beats living in Brooklyn • Stay clear of the hardware store if you want to find a significant present • Perfect Christmas gift = personal, thoughtful and something someone would never get themselves • Do not poke around a closed crime scene • You can’t just get in a car with anybody • Sometimes it’s better just to walk away with your victories • Rich people have good crystals • Nothing is ever what it seems • Rule about breaking and entering : never stay in the same place for more than 5 minutes • You can never be certain when a fire drill is an actual emergency • An alien name makes you an alien • They always put you in the backroom before they shoot you • No one hires someone with a G.E.D. (except hitmen) • Corporate American sucks • One man can’t watch everything • Nothing is ever easy • When you’re dead, you’re beyond getting jealous • Dreams aren’t real • Just say no • Musicians are always searching for the truth • In Roswell, there are no coincidences • You can’t miss your child’s wedding • Keeps your friends close and your enemies closer • Things change • Women can detect insecurity in men a mile away • Women want Alpha males • Your parents won’t always be there • Give second chances • Elton John likes boys • You may catch something even from the person you love |
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