JARRP Episode Guide
This is the episode guide from the now closed site 'Just Another Random Roswell Page' by Nichole Anell. She was a Candy and a Rebel and it is interesting to see the episodes described from her snarky point of view. Season One The Pilot - Who Are These People And Should We Care? Liz Parker, SWF, a waitress who enjoys long talks and writing in her journal. Seeking a young mysterious alien to relate to, take to costume parties, and be supernaturally resuscitated by when she gets a big bloody gunshot wound. Enter Bachelor #1 (out of, oh, 1) Max Evans, who risks his secret to save her life. There's two more aliens as well, Michael and - wait, hang on, oh! there they... no, too late, you missed them - Isabel. And there's Sheriff Valenti, a mildly creepy human who is very dedicated to finding them. And there's Maria, Liz's best friend, who is told Max's secret IMMEDIATELY, even though she was specifically mentioned by name when Max listed people Liz cannot tell the secret to. And there's Jonathan Frakes, in a nice semi-obtrusive cameo. I'm liking it so far. You? The Morning After - Save a Prayer Michael goes AWOL (tm Isabel) but he just needs TLC. Miss Topolsky might be FBI, as opposed to UFT. Liz's bf witnesses a possible BJ and then goes MIA. Maria makes me LOL. TBC. Monsters - You Think The Ears Are Terrifying? Next Year He's Doing Half-Naked Pull-Ups Maria doesn’t trust the aliens. Isabel doesn’t trust Maria. Michael suggests killing her. Hee. Then Maria remembers how cute Michael looks in a tux, how nice Isabel is to her mom, how much she likes Liz, and most of all - how mildly creepy Sheriff Valenti is. So she’s back on their side. The end. Leaving Normal - Grandma Claudia, We Hardly Knew Ye Liz's favorite relative gets a stroke and she wants Max to save her, but Max reminds us all that he is not God (tell that to the Behrians). Meanwhile, Kyle Valenti's annoying friends beat the crap out of Max. Michael pulls some half-assed pranks to get back at them (like, he melts Kyle's locker shut. dis.) In the end, Max does some kind of... I don't even know exactly what he does, but he uses his powers to let Liz talk to her grandma before she dies. It's all very weepy. I'm not made of stone. Missing - Trust Me, You're Not Missing Very Much Unless you’re a Polarist, that is. Otherwise, this is alls I remember: Liz loses her journal. Michael draws a dome. Max reads books about aliens. And Topolsky talks to some men in black. And Kyle likes Moby. 285 South - Road Trip, Baby! Who's your favorite Roswell writer? Thania St. John. What's your favorite candy flavor? M&Ms. What's the best thing that ever happened to the gang? Marathon, TX. Michael kidnaps Maria. Liz, Max, and Isabel follow them. Kyle, Sheriff Valenti , and Topolsky follow them. There are surveys and nookie motels and breakdowns and people getting punched out and a few near-kisses along the way. It’s all very fun. River Dog - Hey-ah Ho-ah, Hey-ah Ho-ah Um, did anything happen in this episode besides the Michael/Maria kiss? I didn't notice. Oh yeah, there are Native Americans and caves and alien writings. And there's Sheriff Valenti and Agent Topolsky coming on to each other, which I know there weren't too many fans of, but I always thought it was pretty interesting. Until the Michael/Maria kiss. At which point, I stopped noticing other stuff. See next week's major commentary... Blood Brothers - No Michael/Maria Kissing Whatsoever But here's what we DO get: Liz and Max take a little pleasure trip, but it ends in quote-unquote "tragedy" and Unconscious Max is rushed to the hospital. There we get a better look at Liz's friend Alex (beyond "What on Earth is Tom Hanks's kid doing in the opening credits?") Alex spills blood a few times, gets lied to and ignored, and bangs his head into a locker. I love poor Alex already. Because I'm evil. Also because the boy hacks into FBI files and I can barely set my VCR. Heat Wave - Everyone Says I Might Kind Of Want To Maybe Like You A Little. I Think. Maria gets too close to Michael and he freaks. Isabel dreamwalks Alex and he crushes. Jim Valenti and Maria's mom re-meet cute. Max and Liz take fiftysomething minutes to kiss. Kyle gets a girlfriend too, but no one really cares. All this plus a rave at the old soap factory, booze & Jell-O, hot slug sex, prison time, and Alex's first exposure to the ambiguous 'Up North' signal. The Balance - They Haven't Seen This Kind Of Defamation Since Kramer Drove By With The Cigar Store Indian Michael takes off to meet Running Bear- er, River Dog and he ends up sweating profusely inside some dead alien web thing. Everybody but Liz gets in the circle to save him. River Dog gets in the circle. Jilted Maria gets in the circle. Alex is the first one in and I don't even think he's learned everyone's name yet. But not Liz. Later, she and Max break up. That's just a coincidence though. Also, there's more symbols, flashbacks, and intonations about someone named "Nasedo". The bad spelling of that name on forum boards everywhere commences. The Toy House - Parents? They Have Parents? Max saves his mother from a household fire with his powers, and he and Isabel question whether or not to tell her their secret. Max supposedly learns to trust people and let others make their own decisions, and he seems to accept that, and then he still doesn't tell his mom or listen to Isabel. But Izzy did make me tear up at the end, so I still like it. Meanwhile, Michael builds something really sweet for Maria, but then he builds his Stone Wall to negate it. Into The Woods - Double-Meaning There On The Word "Camp" The parents continue to amaze me with their involvement in the plot. Everyone goes on a father-son camping trip as a pretense to check out UFOs. Kyle calls his dad on it. Liz’s dad calls her on it too, only he’s thinking “check out UFOs” replaced with “buy drugs from Maria”. Mr. Evans and Alex’s dad play a round of Dense & Denser. Isabel and Alex (ahem) gaze at the stars. Michael thinks River Dog is his daddy. He’s not, but enjoy him for the moment, Mikey. This is the last you’ll ever see of him. The Convention - We’re ALL Thinking About Mud It’s a wacky alien convention! Max wears an alien costume and Michael wrestles (yes, literally) to save Maria’s family business. Jonathan Frakes makes several cameos. Larry and Jen (i.e. the All-Time Least Threatening Baddies) return. But then, it all takes a sudden turn for the DRAMATIC, as Max gets a gun to his head and Valenti shoots a crazy alien-obsessed old man, apparently deducing "There's not room in this town for the both of us." Have I been too mean to Valenti in this episode guide? He does rock, you know. Blind Date - Triple-Meaning There On The Word "Blind" Everyone wants Liz Parker. Max wants to see into her soul. Kyle wants to play with her underwear. Doug Shellow wants to ramble to her about his boring college major. But only Max has just the correct amount of alcohol in his bloodstream to win her heart. Incidentally, I don't believe Max has ever watched an afterschool special on drinking. Or peer pressure. Or stalking. Poor boy's gotta learn it all from Kyle. What else happens? Alex's band has creative differences with Maria, and Michael and Isabel light fires by the public library. Independence Day - Trailer? Yes. Trash? No. We find out that Michael is an alienated alien because his foster father beats him. Michael is wounded. Michael is wet. Michael is crying in Maria's bed. Now toss in a Bush song and my favorite Collective Soul song, add a dash of the alien-three dynamic, and end with Nasedo gettin' medieval on Hank's foster ass. I'm a happy camper. I have no snark. Take a picture. Sexual Healing - It's Amazing How Much Less Boring They Are Without Those Pesky Shirts On Man, the Rebels are going to kill me for this but... mmmmm. Liz discovers she gets flashes of the Home Planet when she kisses Max. They explore other ways to get flashes. The other conventional couples do it too. Well, not "it". No one does "it" on the WB, at least not in Season One. But still... mmmmm. Sorry. I'll seek professional help, I will. Crazy - Action! Drama! Lighting! Extreme! Close! Ups! Darla Topolsky resurfaces as a paranoid schizophrenic who was tortured by the government and, apparently, forced to wear a number of bad wigs and kerchiefs. Isabel makes a friend (more on that next week) who's saucy around Max (more on that next month) and bitchy to Alex (more on that next year). Then Max punches Michael (uh, yeah, like he hasn't had enough of that already?) for trusting Agent Rich-Man's-Laurie-Dupree, the gang loses a glowing orb, Agent RMLD is dragged off screaming, Nasedo pops a few more pills, and... nah, we can't see the network retooling influence at all. Not one bit. Anyone have a Tylenol? Tess, Lies, And Videotape - And EVIL, Don't Forget the EVIL There's something about Isabel's new friend. Maybe it's just the perm or the overboard makeup... but something's just not quite right. For one thing, Max gets all kinds of crazy flashes and porn fantasies around her, until he breaks down and kisses her (which - yay! but moving on...). And her dad Ed(sedo, but not yet) has an evil grin and an evil use of clichés and an evil tendency to bark out the occassional sentence and he eats the most evil of mashed potatoes. And her house is filled with very evil pictures of Max. Also, did you ever realize that that thing she puts together at the end is a Buddhist statue? Hee! Season Two, are you here yet? Four Square - It Has Begun... The Femslash, That Is Tess spends this entire episode flirting with everyone on the show. Flirting with Max, flirting with Kyle, flirting with Michael, flirting with Liz. But especially Isabel. Unfortunately, Isabel isn't feeling too open at the moment because she thinks she's pregnant with Michael's child. Meanwhile, the last scene makes Max's treatment of women in ITLAITB look like one of his good days. Max To The Max - Well Thank God Everything Else Got Cleared Up Within the First Ten Minutes Sing along, everybody! He made Liz think she was going to die/ Blew an innocent gas station sky high/ He showed his soulless flashes around/ And turned into a freaky clown/ We'll never forget him/ Evil Nasedo Max! (vroom vroom) The White Room - Ouchie, The US Government Hurts Agent Pierce uses Max to work out his latent sexual frustrations. Nasedo shapeshifts, Tess mindwarps, Isabel dreamwalks, and Michael does something to his finger that doesn't have a cool name yet. The humans wait and wait. And wait. Then Liz does something useful and tells Valenti, and the sheriff manages to get into the very secure government complex with a gun. And this is one of my favorite episodes of the season. (shrugs) Destiny - I Told You the Backstreet Boys Are Going To Destroy The World What the hell? (takes a deep breath) In no particular order: Valenti becomes ultra-nice, Nasedo becomes not-so-EVIL, Max and Isabel's alien biological mother becomes the Princess Leia hologram, Max becomes a King, Tess becomes a Queen, Mike and Iz become "betrothed", Pierce dies, Kyle dies, Kyle comes back to life, Nasedo dies, Nasedo comes back to life, Michael says I love you, Max says I love you, Liz says I love you, Michael and Maria break up, Max and Liz break up, Liz cries, Max cries, Valenti cries, Alex stands around doing nothing, Isabel stands around doing more nothing, and Howie Durough rocks his body five-second-cameo-style as an Evil Alien. Get it? Neither did I. ------- My Episode Guide's official mascot, Sleeping Isabel. To adopt your own Isabel, go to Brian's Izzy Clone page ------- Season Two Skin And Bones - And Cleavage And Too Much Leather It's been a long hot summer in Roswell, and now we're back to see the new haircuts everybody has. Liz is going for the long, smooth, shiny look of one who has totally moved on with her life. Max is stuck with his Season One bangs, too stubborn to take the hint. Michael has a rebellious shaggy 'do, all "I still don't care what anybody thinks of me". Maria has extensions, I assume to cover the bald spots left from desperately ripping out clumps of hair while talking to her new "girlfriend" Max. Tess has dreads, but I forgive her. A bunch of other stuff happens, but I figured this was easier than listing the fifty new characters we meet in the stead of the one character we lose (Nasedo... and with him the remnants of Ed and Pierce and all those other cool guys, sniffle). Ask Not - Ich Bin Ein Cheerleader (Stalker, Cowgirl, whatever) Dude, I thought I remembered Sheriff Valenti having a son. Didn't recall he was so cool though. The new Crashdown waitress is a Skin, Max wants to be JFK, a guy named Brody bought the UFO museum, but truly - I'm not just being biased here - this one's All About Tess. Really, even ask Ron Moore. Nasedo went and died on her, Liz and the Congresswoman hate her, Max doesn't remember her, and Kyle's kinda scared of her. So the poor girl's all alone reading porno mags. Surprise - At Least She's Not Jailbait Anymore Isabel turns eighteen and everyone throws her a big party. She misses her date with Grant the Geologist (who's what? thirty?) to see Alex (who's what? thirteen?) strip. Then Whitaker the Congresswoman does nasty things to Tess and Izzy blasts her (Whitaker, not Tess) into a million tiny pieces. Y'know, Isabel is still the most kickass alien chick, even in a poofy pink birthday dress. And even with a name like Vilandra. Summer Of '47 - Mikey G.I. Travel back in time to a day when "aliens" only referred to those Commie bastards. Michael gets cleaned up and stars as the army pilot who tried to expose The Crash and then saved our kids. Valenti remembers how it felt to be a threatening presence (Alex tries it out too). Kyle plays his grandpa for exactly ten seconds. Having exhausted herself last week, Isabel is pretty much a walk-on, but a brunette walk-on. Maria, Liz, and Tess all do really bad variations of the same really bad accent, and then the first two die. Max gets punched - hey, this is Michael's fantasy. End Of The World - Can It Core an Apple, O Max of the Future? (Dad insisted I use that one) In the year 2014, the world is coming to an end. So FutureMax goes back in time and tells Liz to get Max with Tess, so Tess won't leave Roswell. The real point is to make a melodramatic sci-fi reason for Max and Liz to be apart. (Don't believe me? Does she tell Tess? No. Does she tell Max? No. Does she fake having sex with Kyle just to break Max's heart so he'll go to the arms of another? Bingo.) Meanwhile, Courtney the Waitress Skin does a lot of back-rubbing and kissing with Michael (and I swear I thought there was a Crying Game moment when he found all the lotion in her drawer). Then Maria cries. Then Alex hurts his hand on the glory of Michael's stupid face. Harvest - The Universal Moron League The gang (sans Michael and Maria who stick behind and witty banter with Courtney, and Alex and the Valentis who... who?) heads for Skintown USA and sleeps over at the late Whitaker's house, with her family, who they pretty much know are their enemies. Then Isabel starts a conversation with Whitaker's evil little brother Nicholas about Vilandra. Then when they're discovered, Max and Tess all but announce, "Yeah, we're totally the King and Queen. Kill us, won't you?" Yes, I'm thrilled the fate of my planet is in these capable hands. Wipeout! - You Wanna See Something *Really* Scary? I saw this episode of the Twilight Zone sooo many times. Stop me if you know it - a few people leave town for various reasons and when they return, it is a very different world where everyone seems to have vanished. They must find out why they're the only people left and band together with aliens to stop other aliens. And there's Tess's big Fireball Of Hell and Maria's hijinks with the big green, um, "energy source" and Nicholas raping Max's mind and Courtney killing herself. Okay, maybe those parts weren't on the Twilight Zone. Outer Limits then. Meet The Dupes - Totally Epic I take back anything I said about the girls in "Summer of '47" and their bad accents. Really, this one's scary. This one involves lingo and Mohawks and my state. We learn the aliens have duplicates who grew up in a New Yawk ghetto. On the less laughable side, remember Brody? He's back and he's the most adorable threat in history to a couple I like. To be mad continued. Max In The City - Get Outta Heah Yeah, we've still gotta deal with King Max & his issues, the unspeakable accents, Isabelandra, and the no-did-you-really-sleep-with-Kyle plot, but then some cool people show up. Like Ava and Nicholas and two of Brody. No, he doesn't have a hardcore double, just an alien alter-ego named Larek. To be honest, Larek is pretty cheesy, but any Brody is good Brody. What else? Oh, Liz gets alien powers. A Roswell Christmas Carol - The Ghost Of Christmas Nagging It's a very special (and not too shabby) episode with many X-mas miracles. 1) Max cures pediatric cancer and holds hands with Liz. 2) Michael and Maria are a cute couple again, out of nowhere, just like magic. 3) Cue the snow. The only thing exactly the same is just how much I love the Valenti extended family. But all those other changes, bring 'em on! To Serve And Protect - "Crap.... Crap.... Crap...." (tm Max Evans) We're halfway through the season, so enter the New Characters! Crazy (but not yet) kidnapped girl underground? Check. Juvenile deliquent with a thing for Liz? Check. Old friend of the sheriff's with ambiguous motives? Check. The return of Grant Sorenson and his stubble? Check. Also, the dreamwalk sequences have turned into Baz-Luhrman-only-more-disorienting Delerium videos. Delerium. That's a good CD. We Are Family - I've Got All My Hussies With Me It's all about the ties that bind. Kyle gets a sister (the most coolest mindwarpingest sister on the whole darn planet), Maria gets a cousin (Sean Krakow), and Michael gets a granddaughter (our friend Laurie Dupree). And Alex returns... wait, he was gone? Disturbing Behavior - Oh But Liz Is A Dork And She Does Enjoy Science Maria, Michael, and Laurie hit the open road and see all the walks of American life, from cheap diner patrons to genuine WASPs. Liz helps Max and Isabel uncover some kind of alien water-borne parasite crystals that are going to destroy the planet. Ex-sheriff Valenti strokes a baseball bat in his dark place. Amy DeLuca becomes the first over-thirty character in a while to acknowledge the fact that she has a child. And Larek and Brody are back! Larek and Brody, don't go away! How The Other Half Lives - Diggin' The Gandarium Queen The Hybrid Chronicles come to an end. What did we learn? Michael and Maria get really bitchy yet funny when they have money. Laurie Dupree is not really that crazy. Alex and Kyle rock the house. It's okay to let the FBI know you're aliens now. Grant has had blue crystals in his chest for some time, and he has been doing their evil bidding. No one knows how to dig a damn hole. Viva Las Vegas - I Need Several Humorously-Named Drinks The whole gang weasels their way into Michael and Max's trip to Vegas, and they proceed to reach into the Subplot Grab-bag: Alex and Kyle play Blackjack, Liz and Tess play pinball. Maria wants to sing nightclubs, Isabel wants to try one night stands. In Act Four, it's all a big Conventional Couple Palooza (not that there's anything wrong with that) and Valenti steals the show in one scene. Heart of Mine - Dawson's Desert Katims, for the love of everything holy, lose the Word A Day calendar. Anyhoo, visions of Jell-O water and bowling with felons, respectively, convince Max and Liz it's time to move on. After the year they've been broken up. Maria and Michael are pointless, then kind of cute. Isabel whines until Alex takes her to The Prom, and they get back together and everything's gonna be juuuuuust fine for them, unless you've seen next week's promo. Kyle still has annoying friends. Blink and you miss Sadler. Cry Your Name - What, None Of Them Have Read Any Spoilers Since January? I liked Alex, I truly did. It's just hard for me to let my grief sink in when his ghost is actually getting screen time. Seriously. I thought Alex died in, like, "Harvest". This is his resurrection. So Alex dies in a car accident and everyone is shocked and devastated. Notably, Liz blames the aliens (no, really, she completely does and after this episode she keeps denying that she did) and Michael's default reaction, oddly, is to become Super Perfect Boyfriend and remain as such for the rest of the season. No complaints here. I really love this episode, to tell you the truth. It's Too Late And It's Too Bad - Mean People F-[censored] I'm sorry, but the alien thing is simply not an excuse to be a huge jerk unless you're Michael. Are you listening, Max? Let Liz get in the cab. Let Isabel go to college. Let everyone get the hell away from you. That said, the last scene? Good for Tess. Good for the whole show. Baby, It's You - "Four Square" Part Deux... ..."This time it's personal!" Or I guess, "This time it's real!" Tess discovers that, being on a WB teen show, one night of sex has led to pregnancy. And being on Roswell, it is a very alien pregnancy that makes her go all sweaty and sick (maybe it's really The Balance Part Deux: "This time there's no web!") In other news, Isabel and Kyle do bad things to Max, which only makes me love them more. Liz and Maria investigate Alex's death until it's time to dance to Nelly Furtado. And at the end it snows in New Mexico again, but at least there's a reason this time. Off The Menu - Larek! Brody! I Told You Two Not To Go Away! This episode is the Key To Everything*, mostly because it was supposed to air back before The Prom. It's the Key To Why Liz Is Dating Sean (to bribe him into pretending he didn't get stabbed), the Key To Why Max Likes Tess Now (either the flashes in Antarvision or the black turtleneck), the Key To Tess's New Power (she can hint screw with people's heads hint hint to a large extent hint hint cough next cough week cough hint) *Except for the things it is most definitely not the key to, such as: Is Valenti a Sheriff again yet? What's up with Hanson? Why in God's name is Tess wearing a watch in Antarvision? Departure - Leanna Is Not Important I'm sorry, but Tess did WHAT? Okay, Alex continues to not be gone, only now he's tinted yellow and in slow motion half the time. Kyle gets some really good scenes actually, so that's cool. Michael and Maria have flashes and "make love" and are just all-around fantastic, to the point where he even stays on the planet for her, all Roswell High Books. Now, other than all that, I am ignoring this episode. It was a really bad fanfic, something that doesn't exist. A mindwarp, if you will. That is my summer philosophy. (starting... now!) ------- Season Three Busted - God Save The Kink 'Roswell' is never what it seems, I've been told. It may seem like Liz and Max may face an actual consequence for something, like Michael has some sort of important relationship to Maria, like there's more than just one non-white guy in New Mexico, like Isabel is not a complete slut, and like the Evans parents are not too bright. But this premiere works real hard to prove all that wrong. Poor Max is just about to proudly take on the noble title of Deadbeat Dad, but then his baby boy starts contacting him, Tess and Nasedo leave behind one of the BIGGEST CHADS EVER, and he and Liz end up in a Utah jail for the crime of gun-totin'. In other news - Liz does a chaste, dorky striptease, proving that although no one seems to remember Alex anymore, his spirit lives on. A convenience store hosts a government-owned spaceship and UPN-owned product placements. I was going to comment on the new villains too, and I promise I will as soon as I stop laughing. Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper - If I Had a Million Dollars, I'd Buy You a Better Show But alas, I'm just as broke as the poor 'Roswell' executives who so clearly had to pay for this episode using a grant from the title's soft drink mega-corporation. Michael needs financial aid too, and you'd think his new roommate Max could lend him some of the money he used to rent that frickin' hang-glider, but no no no. Instead, Spaceboy gets a nightshift security guard job, makes some working-class buddies, and gets them all fired with his wacky poker-playing, iced-tea-sipping hijinks. It leads to the uncovering of a pointless theft and an even more pointless cameo from good old deputy Hanson. Meanwhile, he's-really-not-the-Sheriff Valenti shows off his "country stylings", much to Kyle's chagrin. Those crazy kids with their rock guitars and their beers and their mountains of wasted talent. Anything else? Oh yes. Isabel and new guy Jesse "secretly" make out in a public grocery store, and Max and Liz "secretly" make out in her parent's restaurant and home. No mention of Alex. No mention of Tess. But 17 appearances of the word "Snapple". I love this show. Significant Others - Rumors Of My Death Have Been Slightly Exaggerated NOTE: To honor the revelation that Liz Parker is a poem, I have decided to present this episode description in haiku form... Jesse has a ring Alex enthused, yet still dead Isabel is torn Max and Liz in love Her strict dad once killed some girl Pity no one cares More Snapple for Mike Bowling fun with guys from work And Kyle too - bonus Proposal. Yes. Kiss. Hey, is that Remy Zero? I need a stiff drink Secrets & Lies - Worst. Episode. EVER. Alas, poor Joey the Hitman. We knew him, well, for two scenes. The titular "secret" or "lie" was that the baddie was merely an actor forced to play a meaningless, poorly written, two-dimensional role because he naively thought it would jumpstart his career, plus he's either too lazy or damn untalented to seek employment elsewhere. Oops, my mistake, I was thinking of the entire cast of Roswell. So one little tapping-finger theory and Liz is suddenly Miss Deductive Reasoning (i.e. she jumps to ridiculous conclusions that turn out to be true). Base form? Dailies? A senile man with an alien obsession raving, "They are among us," holds deep relevance? Alright Liz, I'll deal with that and I'll put up with your earring/eyeliner combination that makes you look like a gypsy raccoon, but please just leave the Valentis alone. They're doing fine. Go back to your own dysfunctional family, with the drunk driver and mopey neglected mom. Or join the Evans in theirs, where a son with an arrest record can't be bothered to contact his ever-doting mom, a little girl was once allowed to dress as Madonna, and parents are horrified to learn their daughter is marrying a slightly older man they all know and respect. Plot? Oh yeah, the plot. Max journeys to LA and pretends he can't act (no comment) when he auditions for Jonathan Frakes! and John Billingsley! on the Paramount! lot for Enterprise! and my God! It's a big hilarious in-joke! Liz keeps tabs on her boyfriend by talking to him constantly over a cell phone. I hope he's got a free weekend plan. And I hope it's a weekend. Otherwise, they're all missing a lot of classes. As the episode drags on, we meet Joey's informative goomar and a weaselly agent who thinks Max will be able to ride his pretty face to glory. And we find a possible new EVIL, a Big Bad, a shapeshifter who managed to work his way up from "that guy who holds the snappy thing at the beginning of camera takes" to "famous Hollywood producer" without even shifting his shape. Control - The One After The Buffy Musical In case you dozed off last week (all ten viewers sheepishly raise their hands) the new shapeshifter is Cal Langley, and he hates Max with a fiery intensity almost equal to mine. Sadly, he's genetically incapable of killing or disobeying the king, but he's not programmed to avoid, say, holding him down and stepping on his face repeatedly. Go Langley! Way to loophole! In LA, Max - a.k.a. Mr. Selfish, Ungrateful, Low-rent Tom Cruise With a $10 Haircut (again, go Langley) - still won't call his mother, tries to leave the planet without even a goodbye to the supposed love of his life, acts like he's lord and master of his older sister, has a truly frightening power trip when he realizes he can order his protector around, and has no concept of rational thinking. And if that isn't enough, he ultimately destroys the life of my new boyfriend Cal Langley, whose only crime was loving Earth and lemons. And the face-stepping thing. In Roswell, Maria comforts the gypsy raccoon, who's still receiving the blunt end of Max's idiocy. Isabel clashes with her mother and friends and, well, everyone because she and Jesse have decided to skip over that pesky "planning" and "getting to know each other" phase, and dammit, they're getting married right NOW! And rescue workers continue to search the abandoned WB lot for Michael's spine, as he tries to talk to Isabel into not getting quite so matrimonial, but ends up still being his usual sensitive, supportive, in-touch-with-his-inner-alien-hatchling self. To Have and To Hold - It's A Nice Day For A Trite Wedding I wasn't lying last week. Isabel is literally marrying Jesse "right now", and she's doing it in Psychotic Planning Nazi From Hell mode. There's a problem with the dress, and with the flowers, and so on. And as for problems that couldn't have just been fixed with the wave of an alien hand, believe you me they've got those too. Max and Michael don't like Jesse, which they prove by grilling him about his educational career, jabbing him in the arm with a pin for a blood sample, and breaking his nose. Okay, Max is the only one who does that last part. Obviously. On a softer note, Isabel's parents don't approve of the marriage, but her mother eventually volunteers her heirloom wedding dress. Also, Isabel asks Valenti to give her away at the aisle, but her own father steps in at the last minute. Valenti seems oddly relieved, either because (A) Bill Sadler wants to promote some more of that V/I fanfic he really enjoys or (B) if the girl's anything like his last surrogate alien daughter, she's liable to go and kill one of the Kit Shickers. The couple finally says "I do", and everyone finally realizes that Isabel is free to live the life of any capable, trustworthy young woman who happens to be slowly going insane. Because throughout her long three days of wedding planning, she had supposedly sexy dreams about talking to her hot alien lover Kivar, mostly without either of them opening their mouths or coming within seven feet of each other. The surprise ending: Hey, they got Ivy to play! I mean, Kivar has come to Earth! But trust me, the Ivy part was just as predictable and much more exciting. Interruptus - Take My Wife. Please. Kivar crashes Isabel's newlywed lovefest, possessing not only some poor human's body, but also the level of common sense that has him call himself "Kevin" but then drone on about his palaces and warring families in front of Jesse. Luckily, Jesse is Max's mom, Season 1 Kyle, and Jason Katims rolled into one: the überdimwit. Faced with some truly awful explanations, hybrid sex, the sight of an interplanetary transporter, and his possessed wife knocking him out with a tree branch, Jesse just doesn't see anything strange going on. The audience isn't given that luxury. Nor are Max and Liz's fathers, who realize there's a mystery afoot. They become the best o' secret buddies, working together to investigate Max's little blond ex-girlfriend who can't be found. Valenti displays a disturbing ability to lie very well, while Kyle takes a wordless moment of what I'm almost certain was Tess-related emotional pain. A mercifully eyeshadow-light Liz stumbles off the set and right into the writer's boardroom, finding several descriptive notes that say things like TESS and UTAH and WHAT IS MAX HIDING? tacked to a bulletin board. Back at the honeymoon/golfing resort in La Jolla, Max and Michael march in to kick some tyrant ass. I'm confronted by a "careful what you wish for" situation, as Michael has a sudden outbreak of something approaching his old personality, only way too enthusiastic about violence and scuba diving. The alien guys get there all ready to rumble, and Kivar is just not even bothering, and they're all, "Come on, we wanna fight," and he's all, "No, go away, Vilandra's in love with me," and they're all, "She's Isabel and she so is not," and Isabel's all, "I really am and my name is Vilandra, losers," and they're all, "Nuh-uh, not even," and she's all, "Totally," and this goes on until Isabel gets herself un-possessed at the last second and sends Kivar's soul off the planet in a little bubble of CGI. Behind the Music - 80% New Footage This episode takes so many visual cues from past seasons, I almost feel we need the exposition. So Previously On Roswell: Maria was creeped out by aliens until Michael kissed her, then he turned the cute kind of mean and dumped her, then he turned into a wet little puppy in need of love, then he was hindered by his Destiny, then he suddenly wasn't, then they danced at the prom. Max slept with the enemy, an act that incited the wrath of an untold number of viewers who aren't me. Alex and the Evans family Jeep were both murdered for reasons that still don't entirely make sense. Maria had a pixie cut and a dream. We learn that this one time at band camp, Maria met Billy Darden. Now he's passing through Roswell to convince her that she needs to go back to obeying her 13-year-old philosophy and writing music. Majandra Delfino drops the Phil Collins abuse and gets to sing her own songs, but not until a producer offscreen warns, "Put the synthesizer away and pick up that acoustic guitar, young lady. And watch the swearing." Since Billy has the exact kind of unshaven bad-boy sexy look that Max is so miserably failing to attain, Michael gets insane with jealousy and loses control of the alien power known as "not breaking things." By the time Billy's gone, Maria has resumed her musical passion and (gently) kicked her Snapple-loving man to the curb... because she loves him too much. Hmm. Cool S1 finale role-reversing there. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? Somewhere less interesting, Max's dad finds the charred corpse of the Jeep, Isabel is labeled a "conspirator" in black permanent marker, and Jesse may or may not be having lots of sex. Samuel Rising - Santa And Snowflake Are Doing It! They're DOING IT! And Jason Behr shaved his face! He shaved! Santa got my letter! Now everything can be just like last year's Christmas, except there's now a large void where Tess used to be, and it's shoddily filled with Jesse. You know the drill - the Christmas Nazi, the desert snowfall, the temporary reconciliation of all Conventional Couples, the Lilith Fair renditions of holiday standards, etc. The highlights: Isabel's heart grows three sizes when she learns the concept of "mellowing out". Michael tries to win back Maria by being the worst Santa Claus to ever don a red suit, sunglasses, and a totally unnecessary 'tude around little kids. Kyle continues his third season role as the guy who only exists to get mad at his father, while the elder Valenti romances someone who is not Amy and looks kinda like Monica Reyes from The X-Files. I never ever want to see her again. Of course, this episode just wouldn't be complete without Special Children. How special? The kind that make ugly stockings and continue to hang them on their mantles two decades later. The kind that inexplicably loathe elves. The kind that want to date Jim Valenti. And finally, this one named Samuel who suffers from autism, but one day walks up to Max and calls him "Daddy." Though Samuel is hella cute, he isn't channeling Max's alien son. He can't even be healed by a glowing hand this time around. Yet Max does help him and his family, by way of forcing Isabel to help him and his family. Okay, FINE, it's sweet. I liked it. I said "awww". I wanted to give a big hug to Samuel. But then I remembered he doesn't let people touch him, so I settled for waiting under the mistletoe for the guy who put a Norelco razor under Max's tree. If you hurry, I might also go to second base with whoever hid Liz's costume jewelry. Season of giving, you know. A Tale Of Two Parties - New Year's Rockin'... Um, Day The cool place to be for the New Year in Roswell is some secret hidden party called 'Enigma'. But Liz is the poor little Cinderella kept from the ball, forced to attend her family's personal holiday, dubbed The Night We Let Liz Have No Fun At All. She cleans, she line-dances, and she calls Bingo for senior citizens, one of whom talks about phone sex. But she gets in the resolution spirit in the end and decides to be kind to her father out of the goodness in her heart. Speaking of hearts and goodness and Liz's dad, Valenti convinces him Max is a nice kid. I wonder if maybe my resolution should be to give him a second chance too. I like Valenti and Liz's dad and the idea of a neverending beer keg. I could like Max too! 2002 will see a kinder, gentler Nicole! I'll even go back to being a Dreamer! Or, okay, not. But Max/Maria shippage... that I could do. Anything's possible if I found a place inside my cold black soul where I don't mind that Kyle's suddenly in love with Isabel. If I act like him and disregard every single thing that's happened in the past, and I concentrate in slow-motion on what she's doing *right this second*, I sorta like Isabel too. By the end, Michael's gotten drunk on sheer continuity and gone into some sensory overload state, leaving Max and Maria to find 'Enigma' by themselves. They make it to the mysterious rave. It's a big sparkler. That's it. There are about 10 people there, all of whom are from that special breed of Loser that has nothing better to do on December 31st than a scavenger hunt, let alone one that can only be solved by those with an extensive knowledge of local fast food. But, we're assured, this is the cool place to be, much more fun than the geriatric line-dancing or the frat house ass-grabbing. Only... well, it's not more fun than the ass-grabbing. Or the line-dancing. Or the horny old lady's phone sex. Come on, people. It's just a big sparkler. I Married An Alien - Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered I'd like to call this a filler stand-alone episode. But I just scrolled up my own guide and realized that label could be given to at least the last four. So I guess no more mythology for Roswell. It's like even the writers got that email from Crashdown.com that said the show was cancelled, and then that email the next day that said it really wasn't, and then those fifty people telling them on forums that it probably really is, and so they don't want to risk doing anything new. Talk about forgetting one's balls. (rim shot) Still dealing with his Maria issues and the sudden absence of all those friends he had at the beginning of the season, Michael plot-devices his way into an obsession with '60s sitcoms like "Bewitched". Isabel fully embraces schizophrenia and starts living a double life in her head. In one world, she's still normal Isabel. In the other, she's a character in an ultra-cheesy TV show called "I Married An Alien" wherein Jesse knows her secret. The action alternates rather snappily between both worlds, so we get a whole lotta smiles and laugh-tracks and campy spaceships. Sadly, Jim Valenti is still trapped in a third alternate dimension called the opening credits, and he never appears anywhere else. But as for those who do: Kyle wears leather, Liz goes on doe-eyed-robot overload (don't flame me! she's doing it on purpose!), Michael shows some scary front teeth, Jesse eats the bright cardboard scenery, Maria's wacky wardrobe is totally indistinguishable from what she wore last season, and Max is a big pouty joykill. In the "real world", Jesse's reporter friend Eric uncovers more in a week than the FBI did in the entire first season, and he ends up with the conclusion that Max, Michael, and Isabel are aliens. Jesse uses his legal know-how to prevent him from writing an article about it, but then goes so apeshit over the fact that Eric LIED TO HIM that Isabel forgets her own balls right there and decides not to really tell Jesse the truth anytime soon. Ch-Ch-Changes - But Liz... When I Slept With Her, We Were ON A BREAK! Liz discovers that Max healing her is finally showing some physical side effects. She sets things on fire, little green sparks course through her body, and she hallucinates so much she messes up her college interview, totally blowing her chance at Harvard. Kyle is concerned, because that could be him in a year. Except for the Harvard part. And the part where this show's still on the air. Fearing Liz will die, Max tries to magnify his power and put his hand on her lower stomach and levitate her, but it hurts, but he wants to keep going, but she wants him to stop, but just a little more, and my GOD I'm still getting over the rape imagery that just totally destroyed any hope that I'd ever like Max again. My mind is made up now. My mind said "ick". And then it added "uch". Liz goes hysterical afterwards and lets out a little rant, in which it turns out she's still holding the Tess sex against him. Blah blah, unfaithful blah, Max is always hurting her. She takes off to a Vermont boarding school to work out her problems, but assures him she loves him in the Dear John letter she leaves. I'm pretty sure that was a letter and not her journal, because she didn't tell him the date and her name first. Oh, and Valenti and Maria perform the worst and most perverse rendition of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" I've ever heard. And I've heard some bad ones. I sang some bad ones. Based on that alone, she's offered the chance to record a demo in New York by some record executives who look like they time-warped out of the '70s and forgot the retro look was last week's theme. A signed contract and some casual sex with Michael later, she finds out they want to give her pretty acoustic song a dance beat. Now she's all torn over her Music and her Principles and not wanting to sing a pop song. Somewhere in the distance, the remaining members of the Whits are all banging their heads into a wall. Panacea - You Can't Mock A Title When You Don't Know What It Means And You're Too Lazy To Pick Up A Dictionary So Liz goes to boarding school really hoping to fit in, what with the twelve little girls in the two straight lines (so straight, I imagine, because they're not smoking nearly as much pot as the spoilers once suggested). But poor Liz - er, "Beth" - is afraid to be herself. She learns her lesson from her smart-mouthed and vaguely lesbian new roommate, who ends up bonding with her and gabbing about prison records over a nice flask of alcohol. Liz is a bad girl! And a strangely empowered one all of a sudden. Meanwhile, Maria has come so far from her Christina Aguilera Phase of season one that she can turn her back on fame, limos, and New York City to avoid performing not-entirely-bad pop songs against her conscience. Speaking of singing, Valenti gives the Kit Shickers a rest for five seconds so he can get a real job. He has to solve the murder of Michael's friend, Bill Haverchuck from "Freaks and Geeks". Jeez, the cute pathetic losers just never get a break on "Roswell". First Alex and now this. Anyway, one CSI-style investigation later, it turns out that Bill was killed in a conspiracy from within Michael's own Snapple factory, or wherever the hell he's working. And the conspiracy is run by Morgan Fairchild. Yeah. It really is. I didn't make that up. She's evil, and married to a decrepit old man who she wants an alien to heal. Still not making this up. She kidnaps Valenti, who then gets shot and healed by Max, because Lord knows we've never seen that before. For an encore, Max is forced at gunpoint to heal the old decrepit guy. He does it, and by a wacky twist of fate, the action makes Max himself rapidly grow old and die. Yep, that's true also. Max died. He's dead now. And my pathetic loser theory? Still standing. Chant Down Babylon - You Have To KILL The One You LOVE To Shut Her UP! Drama Queen Isabel just won't give her dead brother a moment in the spotlight, throwing herself in front of a bullet so everyone can mourn over her pale wounded body instead. Jesse finally finds out he married an alien, and he defends her against yet another low-life substance-abusing friend. This one's a Bob Marley-quoting doctor who lost his license but kept just enough medical equipment around to give Isabel a 50/50 chance of recovery. Kyle tries to heal her himself with his non-existent alien powers, and then he briefly breaks down crying at her bedside in what is officially the best scene of this whole godforsaken season. Michael cries too and accidentally pulls Isabel back into consciousness, just by the power of love. Or the power of reminding her he owes her money from ten years ago. Meanwhile, Liz is boozing it up and fighting with Maria in Vermont, until she comes face to face with... Max? Oh crap, he's back. It's really the healed old man Clayton, appropriately horrified to discover he's absorbed Max's looks. Just before he gets to 'cement' with Morgan Fairchild, he feels Max's spirit in his head. He wants Liz. Still. Always. Why isn't he dead? I don't know. Morgan Fairchild yells clichés at Clayton!Max until he goes into a murderous rage and snaps her neck. Then he heads to the boarding school and strangles Maria for a few seconds. Then he chases Liz up the attic, and Max gains control of his body to tell her that she has to kill him. She tries to hit him with a golf club but misses (dammit Liz!) and both of them end up falling out the window (never mind. good girl.) Their lives flash before their eyes in one of those romantic montages where the writers are just begging everyone to forget the entirety of season two. Max breaks Liz's fall with the alien shield he should've used a week ago. So Liz lives. Maria lives. Isabel lives. But at least... no, wait, Max is alive again too. Why? I still don't know. Who Died And Made You King? - Shine On, You Crazy Michael In the casa de Ramirez, Jesse horribly inconveniences Isabel by remaining freaked out by her alien identity. He has nightmares, moves out of the house, and starts seeing a therapist played by The Mayor from Buffy. He tells the doctor he's married into the mafia. The mafia in New Mexico is run by eighteen-year-olds. The Godfather is Max, who says loud and proud in an early scene that he's willing to forget about his unimportant obligations (e.g. saving the planet, taking responsibility for his missing infant son) and just focus on sharing miniature golf happiness with Liz. Just when he seems like the worst leader of all time, Michael suddenly undergoes a stunning transformation into - the worst leader of all time. Due to the king's too-good-to-be-true demise, Michael has the Royal Seal Of Antar (yes, that's exactly what they call it) implanted in his chest. Michael goes power-mad and psychotic, and the results are entertaining as hell. Remember pre-hiatus I said the best scene this year was Kyle's tears for dying Isabel? Screw. That. It's when Michael stops taking Maria's season three crap and tells her to just shut up. Then he says Max should've stayed dead. Then he tries to kill Jesse. I don't know where this Michael came from, but I now have a crush on him. The only really bad thing he does is threaten Dr. Mayor to stop seeing Jesse. The rattled shrink goes running to the proper authorities, and the next thing you know Jesse is being interrogated by the FBI. In an rare display of logic, it turns out the people who survived the Special Unit still totally remember Max is an alien. They aren't doing anything about it except sitting around collecting glossy photos of dead people with handprints, but they're still a threat. I guess. Whatever. Jesse reunites with Isabel, not so much out of love or trust or belief in the sanctity of marriage, but more because Jesse ends up killing a federal agent and he needs help destroying the evidence and smashing the body into itty pieces. Isn't it romantic? Oh, and Max and Michael do battle, Max eventually getting his kingly powers back so he can resume his rightful place as the once and future mean dumbass. It looks better on him anyway. Crash - The Adventures Of The Most Flexible Halloween Mask Ever As this episode opens, Liz rubs her bare foot against Max's leg and comes into contact with his crotch. I black out for twenty minutes. When I come to, a military jet has collided with a UFO. Michael witnesses the crash and the subsequent government cover-up. Feeling a little more compassionate than he did last week, he throws himself into the life of Young Blond Guest Star. Awww, I missed her. She's not crazy or evil this time. But she still can't act. Young Blond Guest Star (this week she's "Connie") is the daughter of the jet's pilot. She and her father are now in danger, because the United States armed forces are scary and evil and have tons of established protocol measures for killing innocent people. Michael vows to help Connie, and in the process he sets the universe right again by proving he really is the best man in charge of a plan, even without that stupid crazy-making alien seal. The aliens and co. suck helium, get another bad human killed, and ultimately save the day. Michael sneaks into a military base by using his powers and a storebought alien mask to disguise himself. Max goes with him, but doesn't even consider that he might want to put on a mask and disguise his own face. He wouldn't even have to manipulate it. He could say he's Richard Nixon. Or Beavis. Or anybody on the planet who's head is not plastered on every government-issued milk carton with the label: MAX EVANS. WHITE ROOM ALIEN. FIND AND DESTROY. ((this message has been brought to you by the Now-Active Special Unit, in association with MetaChem, Kivar, the Skins, the Dupes, Cal Langley, Howie D, and his own father)) Elsewhere, Isabel bonds with her mother. But are Mr. and Mrs. Evans in cahoots? Will they plant a camera on Isabel when she sleeps over? Will Isabel fail to notice the camera all night and day? Will she throw a gratuitous hissy fit with her powers in front of the camera? But of course. And that, my friends, after three years of can-we-trust-mom-and-dad-to-know-our-real-selves teen angst metaphors, is how the Evans clan lets the skeletons out of their closet. It flies them around the room like a tornado. Is that a metaphor? Four Aliens and a Baby - It's Alive! Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Tess returns to Earth with Max's infant son and manages, by great coincidence, to crash-land her spaceship in the very same small town we've been stuck in for three seasons. She briefly stops to murder 16 presumably-innocent people who mildly threatened the baby (Hey, did you hear? Tess is BAD!) before heading back to her old friends for some help. But it is no happy reunion. Even though Tess does penance by giving exposition about Kivar with a straight face, everyone still treats her like... well, like you'd expect Tess to be treated if she somehow manifested herself directly into a Roswell chatroom full of Dreamers and Alex fans. Liz is violent, Kyle is nasty, Max is self-righteous, Maria is bitchy, and Michael interacts with Tess for the first time ever so he can repeatedly threaten to kill her. Even the state of New Mexico turns mean, buzzing with helicopters and running bloodhounds around to track her down. This doesn't bode well for the safety of the other aliens, so everybody votes on whether or not to just turn Tess in to the Scary Evil Government. The Valentis can't do it because they still have souls. Max can't do it because he remembers the White Room. Liz can't do it because the script suddenly tells her she can't. Moved by this display of contriv- I mean "compassion" - Tess finally decides to pull One Last Redemptive Act. But she wants an audience first, so she convinces Liz (who I'm just going to pretend was either drowsy, drunk, or mindwarped) to get into a car with her, all alone in the middle of the night. Then not only does Tess sacrifice her life to save them all, she also confesses that Max was thinking about Liz when the condom broke. All is forgiven. Liz can't stay mad at Tess when she's lonely and dead. Also of interest (to someone, I'm sure), the Evans parents are in shock for all of twelve seconds when they find out their kids are aliens, but they accept it and move on. Max finds out his own kid is human and puts him up for adoption before you can say "flimsy genealogical reasoning". Of course he doesn't send his perfectly healthy human baby off forever without saying goodbye. He uses his powers to ensure little Zan will have a "memory". Not to mention a large quantity of Cadmium X in his brain, which if you aren't too careful leads to sparky hands and alien powers and sometimes embolism and death. Yeah, thanks Daddy. Way to give him a "normal life". Idiot. Graduation - Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way- No, On Second Thought, Let It Hit You (try humming Pomp and Circumstance, the graduation song, as you read the following... I thought I could make this appropriately "final" and make up for writing it so late if it was a musical synopsis) Liz is really happy... That Tess is now dead... But heavy-petting with Max... Puts visions in her head... Using her new powers... She prevents tragedy... So they won't all be shot by... The evil U.S. army Kyle has a dead-end job... Valenti gets a life... Jesse's dumped one last time... By his crazy wife... Maria feels abandoned... She bitches and whines... Finally ends up with Michael... I have no clue why They graduate high school... Though they rarely went... Max's speech of distraction... Refuses to end... Liz finishes her journal... Gives it to her dad... So he'll know how she is now... Married to an alien and glad Liz, Kyle, Maria... Iz, Michael, and Max... Decide they must leave town... And never come back... Max gives up his throne but... Thinks he's Superman... When the series closes... They all live in a van Yes at the end, I swear to God... They all live in a van! |
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