Season 1 From "The Pilot" · Outer space aliens have no rights if arrested. · Sniff seed oil if you're stressed. · Do not use "a muscular Beavis" or "a beefy Butthead" to describe suspects of a crime. · If you come in late for biology, you can still get a bathroom pass. From "The Morning After" · A good place to hide a key is in your lunch thermos. · The sum of the angles in a triangle is 180, not 360. · Czeckoslyvokia has not existed for 10 years. · A flat tire is a good excuse for explaining why you're still out after curfew. · You can just skip class periods any time you want so you can spy on a sub teacher and never get caught. From "Monsters" · All mom's do stupid things, say, like making cute alien keychains. · If you have car problems and get stuck on the side of the road, don't worry, someone will ALWAYS conveniently drive by and help you out. · Some people are just, like, pigs. · If you're shy or you keep secrets, just try to step from behind the tree. From "Leaving Normal" · A person full of life one day could be gone tommorrow. · It is necessary to restate your full name in each entry of your diary. · If you get beat up, the best thing to do is to do nothing and go on. · Image is everything. · Always follow your heart. From "285 South" · Watch "The View" and get in touch with your feminine side. · Aliens get hungry. · It's probably the best thing for your mother if she knows what species you are. From "River Dog" · Open aired vehicles probably aren't allowed to be on the road. · If you can't remember how something's drawn, draw it anyway. · If you give off vibes, you're a vibrator. From "Blood Brother" · Look in the wastebasket if you're trying to find info on someone. · When you're trying to tail someone, don't drive backwards. · When you're trying to actually help someone, try not to help them in a way that makes them think that you are a really weird person, like an FBI agent or something. · Musicians get the girls. · Wear your dang seatbelt when you drive or are in a car so you won't get seriously hurt in a car accident! From "Heat Wave" · Slugs can be gay!!! (Max said that, not me!) From "The Toy House" · Water will only spread a GREASE FIRE, so don't pretend to wash a grease fire out and put on a puppy face (and puppy ears) for your mother. · If you see a wounded bird, say, out in a park or something, don't pick it up and do something unusual like heal it or something. · You can't just solve a problem by waving your hand around. From "Into the Woods" · Never trust the law to share information. · Dad's gotta get better at the "privacy thing." · When there's no milk, use beer. · Don't talk in riddles! · When your paranoia schizophrenia kicks in, go to the bathroom and have a talk with yourself. From "The (UFO) Convention" · Don't be led around by your energy source. · When you start to see things all woozy, think about MUD. · All guys are so obsessive. If it's not football, then it's UFO's. From "Blind Date" · You can't break up if you weren't together in the first place. · A little swig of alcohol can make you go nutty for a while - so watch out! · What's so great about being normal? From "Independence Day" · When you're angry, throw rocks at a train. · You have to learn to just say no. · If someone bakes you a pie, you'd better eat all of it. · Swallow some "grief relief" when you feel that "feeling" coming on. From "Sexual Healing" · When somebody walks in the door, give them a nice, sweet strawberry. · People do a lot of dumb things when their drunk. · Hydrogen and Carbon are the simple basis of life forms in the universe. · Some red stars are really weak. · If you smooch and have a vision, look for glowing things on your body. From "Crazy" · When you buy your girl some body wash, get the kind that makes her skin soft. · When you buy your girl shampoo, don't get the generic kind. · Girls love surprises. · When somebody tells you not to tell something to anyone else at that moment, say "I need my jacket!" and go tell somebody. · You can never have too much sweet. From "Tess, Lies, and Videotape" · There are no such things as shape shifters. · Anything out there could be watching you...right now. · Things that are over 300 years old are not junk! From "Four Square" · You can never have enough sunshine!!! · Max doesn't need a babysitter - he needs a bodyguard. · Pay attention, there are signs everywhere. · The goal in life is to stay in control. From "Max to the Max" · You should be scared of smarter people. · When coffee gets that metallic taste, wash out the pot. · It doesn't matter if your shift is coming up during work - you can leave if it's a surprise. · If you can clean a coffeepot real good, try your truck next. From "The White Room" · When somebody gives you the choice of an easy or hard way, don't say "earth". · People always patrol in intervals. · The problem isn't that they're part alien - it's that they're part human, duh. · The only thing stopping you is yourself, so remember that. From "Destiny" · Whether you die tommorrow or 50 years later, your destiny will be the same. · You may be stronger than you think you are! · We don't tolerate secret-action-stuff-business in this country. · When you're trying to run away from someone, make lots of noise when you're going through a huge water pipe. season two From "Skin and Bones" · There are millions of teenagers with your problems. · It's all normal teenage stuff... · Aliens are apparantly a little "green around the gills." · It's never easy for anyone to kill a man. · Start reading the newspaper. · Don't grovel like a dog. · Why would a metal detector detect bones? · Don't leave a calling card when you're off somewhere breaking the law. · Bones don't melt. · You can never find those little pod people when you need them... · We are all in the dark, waiting to be attacked. · When doing a discreet thing, use really clunky cell phones with a loud ring. From "Ask Not" · When you have a bloody handprint on your chest, run around the city half naked for all to see. · Just hear the locusts in the night, like Kyle. · No conditions are permanent, and no conditions are reliable. · You're probably too young to be dust. · Don't you let any man/woman pull that crap on you! · The truth will set you free... · Here on Earth, we have a primitive concept called privacy. · Try and follow your heart; it's what all the great leaders do. · Note to self: Take more computer clesses. · Material possessions clutter the mind. From "Surprise" · Great leaders are allowed to say "ditto." · One nipple does not constitute as striptease. · It's okay to put Tabasco sauce in a birthday cake (don't forget the eggs). · Guys don't make cakes, period. · When you're not needed, go fill up the ketchup bottles. Then do the sugar. From "Harvest" · It's hard to run with your pants around your ankles. · Could things sound any creepier? · Scully and Mulder don't giggle, so shut up. · Aliens usually listen to the Backstreet Boys. · Why don't you just send parcels? Don't go there yourself. · Husks don't age. From "Wipeout!" · Drink orange juice to "get past it." · It's a circle of life. If you catch a fish, put it back. · To open the mind, burn some compost sticks (or whatever) and hang wind chimes in your backyard. · When you date Michael Guerin, prepare for some major vitamin intake. · What a drag - going to school on a Saturday? · Rule number one of war: keep your big mouth shut. From "Meet the Dupes" · [The Summit] don't want a numbuh two - they want thuh Royal Fo'. · Something burning so bright just burned out. · Don't forget the pepper jack.... · A person who doesn't get the cheese right doesn't deserve to live. · The Sheriff is cool, cuz he's thuh freaking man! From "Max in the City" · [Max] is the king of the world! Just not of this one. · Address your king as "Your Highness" when you need his signature. · Now, when you're the frickin king, you deserve New York's best pizza. And the other guy buys. · Space is, uh, what we call very, very, big. We can't just zip around like on Star Trek. From "A Roswell Christmas Carol" (The Miracle) · If you're going to get a significant present, steer clear of the hardware store. · When one's heart and one's mind aren't in balance, one's body is the first to fail. · An electric toothbrush is very practical. · You can never have enough Christmas ornaments! · If you're living somewhere, you probably need a damn chair. From "To Serve and Protect" · When there's crap on TV, go take a stroll. In people's dreams. · Romantic dreams CAN be boring. · Police work makes you old... · If you die, you can reincarnate into a gopher. · Buddha has a cell phone :) · There are simple rules in most homes: · Leave the toilet seat down, · Don't leave underwear on the floor, and · Pour milk in a glass to drink. · First get probable cause - then you can get a search warrant. · Sisters will yell at you, second guess you, and piss you off. · In the real world, we use names! · Molehills aren't straight lines. From "Disturbing Behavior" · When you're questioned by an FBI Agent, stare blankly ahead. · Roswell is a sick town... · You hurt everybody when you start bashing a CD player around. · If you lie to the FBI, you're in deep trouble. · You don't go camping without your long johns in February. · Parasites need something to feed on...but not your arm (it's not tasty enough). From "How the Other Half Lives" · It's a tragic when you get a spot on a cashmere turtleneck. · In your sophomore year, you rarely have to lie to authorities and to run from gunfire. · Always bring a cell phone in cast you get trapped in an undergroud cave with parasite-crystals. · Breathe shallow. · People with money tend to be threatned when it comes to things. · Life sucks, people suck - that's reality. From "Viva Las Vegas" · When you have a nightmare, hit the refrigerator! · Screw the plan, just go! · You don't build dreams with tainted money. · Create your own memories. · Blackjack requires knowledge of AP Statistics. · Boys are trapped in the world of armpit farts and Playstation. · As long as you stick together, you can make it. From "It's Too Late and It's Too Bad" · What's immoral is if someone kills another. · Without an application, 1s and 0s mean nothing! · Think about things in human terms after pondering in alien terms. · Some people would say congradulations... · Using a pick made from a bike spoke, you can pick a door lock by sticking it into a keyhole and jiggling it around. · Be a leader based on what is true, not what you want to be true. · It's hard being a leader when you have no followers. From "Baby, It's You" · Don't ever think that it "didn't go any further than that." · Aliens are the most pathetic people. · The most fulfilled are born with stones that turn into jewels. · You're doing something illegal? And? · Alien herpes are not the problem. · Take it ALL out on the trash cans. Season 3 From "Busted" • During a robbery, let your long hair dangle out of your mask and speak out so that witnesses will know that you're a girl. • Really, it's not that funny to take off your clothes. • If you go pretty far way, your high school grades won't transfer. • The aliens' ship is a lemon. • Don't be a smartass - it'll be a problem at school. • Don't say "We can't get caught." Because you will. • Got a diamond to hide? Try under a couch cushion. From "Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper" • Slam the door once more, louder, to wake up a sleeping dad. • Don't say "chico" if you can't really pull it off. • The corporate of America sucks. • What it's all about - is principle. • Nobody fires an entire shift for stealing Snapple. From "Significant Others" • Life can be like the old movies. • When you're dead, you're beyond getting jealous. • Back on the throttle - that's good. • Wash your sheets. • You must be angry when you're making a cottage cheese milkshake. • People love you when you're happy. From "Secrets & Lies" • Don't smoke in the car. • It's nice to have your daddy as a lawyer. • Tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. • All you need is exposure. From "To Have and To Hold" • If the restaurant opens at 6:30, don't open it at 6:42. • Write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. • Even if you're the best man, be sure to get a sample of the groom's blood to make sure he's not an alien. • Your subconcious mind can screw you. • Friends help their friends. From "Interruptus" • Denial is a way of life. • Everything's going to be fine! • Sometimes, appetizers aren't a good idea...or maybe someone messed with your drink. • Focus, focus, focus on your honeymoon. • Seize the moment, take a chill - scubadive or something. From "Behind the Music" • You can't put your parents in danger. • Here on Earth, we have this thing called jealously... • Braces can work. • "Songwriters Workshop" sounds better than "Band Camp." • Sometimes tradition can wait. • Don't put dairy products in your meat. It's not kosher. • Sometimes you have to go after your dreams. From "Samuel Rising" • Don't starve yourself because you have a weird girlfriend. • Volunteering! It's a calling! • Stockings can be brown. • Elves just deal with annoying kids who want to cut the Santa line. • Mellow out for a Christmas tradition. • If you're an elf, fetch Snapple and give foot rubs for Santa. • Age difference might be a problem in a relationship. From "Graduation" • It's wrong to benefit in a ny way from someone else's passing... most of the time. • Although SAT words will drive you crazy, they'll help you in life. • The trouble with making plans for the future, even if you can see the future, is that fate has a way of intervening. • See what you want, and then go get it.

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